Adavantages of Taking a Part-time Job 帮我看看里面有那些语法错误,

题目

Adavantages of Taking a Part-time Job 帮我看看里面有那些语法错误,
As we all known ,part-time job is more and more popular in college ,which prove obviously that part-time job can bring college students some advantages .there are 3 advantages as follows.
firstly,part-time job will provide you a chance to earn money .you can use this sum of money what you earn to buy something what you earn to buy something what you like.at the same time ,you will fell a special happiness when you spend this sum of money.
secondly ,part-time job will train you the ability of indepence,which can reduce your reliable and laziness.
thirdly ,part-time job can also give you some useful experience to approch society,which is helpful for you to widen your horizon and improve your knowledge.

答案

As we all known应该为As we all know或者As is known
As we all known ,part-time job is more and more popular in college .此处为第一句
It is turned out that we can get a lot from it. There are 3 advantages as follows.
firstly,part-time job will provide you with a chance to earn money . You can use this sum of money( that you earn 其实不用写)to do what you like.
You will be fullfillment at the same time.
secondly ,part-time job will improve your ability of independence,
thirdly ,part-time job can also give you some useful experience to approch society,which is helpful for you to widen your horizon and enlarge your knowledge.
只是修改了语法错误,文章里一样的修辞不能反复使用,显得繁琐没有内容,比如will...,which...,可以变换着来,还有,用两三个复合句就可以,简单句为主,以免出现语法错误.
认真回复,希望采纳,谢谢!