这篇大作文值几分!

题目

这篇大作文值几分!
TOPIC：Some people think that old people should not be forced by law to retire at the age of 60-65 if they wish to continue working.Do you agree with this point of view?
ANSWER:
Never has old people failed to fascinate us in modern society,specially whether they should be forced by law to retire.Some individuals agree that the old people should not do any work during the period of retirement.However ,in my view,the old generation can do some work if they wish to continue working.
The old people can help their children release the pressure of economy.For example ,the young generation have been caught in failure led to it was hard to make money,the old people could be raised by themselves ,in a way,it could help their children to save money.And also the senior can be happy through their work.For example,the old generation through the work can make friends,and it's happier than living at home.So,if the old people are working at the age of 60-65,the government can reduce investment into the welfare system.
On the other hand,there are many advantages if the old people should not do any work during the period of retirement.For instance,they can offer many opportunity to the young people.And it's security for the old people to live at home.However,if the old people are always being living at home and alone.Many of them would be ill of psychology.
As can be concluded from the above,although it has many disadvantages for the old people during retirement,working outside has much better than stay at home.
TIPS:Although i guess this writing has out of topic,i'd like teacher can figure out the grammar where was wrong and give a score.Thank you.
this is my writing for IELTS examination...thank you!

答案

There are grammer mistakes such as 'many opportunity '
chinglish
your language is acceptable despite insufficient
argument.
I think you could get 6