英语达人进,看看有没有语法错误

题目

英语达人进,看看有没有语法错误
tom：
Hello.
Very nice to meet you last Saturday.I am the xxx from Company xxx,who exchanged business cards with you.It is an honor to participate the new product "xxx" meeting with media that organized by your company.That could see your department takes this drink the propaganda and promotion.My company xxx hope that can cooperate with your department.Do our best to achieve the anticipated goal together.
Looking forward to hearing from you again.
Best wishes!
Lei Feng thank you on behalf of the party

答案

有.
首先,从你的内容看,收信人是刚认识的,这时信函开头称呼不要直接用他的名,要用他的姓氏,Tom改成Dear Mr XXX.
第二,Hello去掉.
第三,首句Very之前加It is,改成It is very nice……,会比较正式一些.
第四,I am 后面的the去掉,公司名写在Company之前.
第五,meeting 后面的with media that三个词多余,建议去掉.
第六,That could 一句赘述,秉着简洁原则,该句可去掉.
第七,My company一句及后面一句合并改成 We hope that we can cooperate to achieve the anticipated goal.
第八,这是你首次写信给此人,此人未写给你时,不要用again,用soon比较好.
第九,Lei feng一句去掉,改成落款Yours sincerely,Lei Feng或者Yours truly,Lei Feng.要分两行
所有的错误均已改正,请放心应用.