托福独立作文求批改!给出建议和大概分数

题目

托福独立作文求批改!给出建议和大概分数
Do you agree or disagree with the following statement?The most important aspect of a job is the money a person earns.Use specific reasons and examples to support your answer.
It is true that money plays a crutial part in our life.We need money for almost everything.But I oppose the opinion that money is the most important part of a job.There are really much important things than money in a job.For instance,friendship,experience and feelings you get when you are working.
Friendship that we get from a job can be really valuable.We know that in a company,everyone wants a higher position and higher salary.For that reason,many people will do everything to reach their goal.You have no idea who wants to trap you or who really likes you.That’s why I said that friendship is really treasureable during you work.Even if you have a large amount of money,you can not buy true friendship.
Experience is also an important aspecect of a job.In a company,you can do lot

答案

优：
1.结构清晰,观点明确
2.语言流畅,语法基本正确
3.观点论述的挺好的
缺：
1.个别单词拼写还有小语法错误要注意,难得错几个没事,多了就会有影响了
2.例子不具体,没有specific的支持你的观点
3.字数太少,虽然托福要求字数是300,但是想拿好的分,起码写到400,要拿高分,起码500
4.结尾段哪儿去了?
大概分数 20出点头吧