求改托福作文一篇,评个分

题目

求改托福作文一篇,评个分
What changes will the 21st century bring?People seldom agree with each others on such subjective question that hardly can we find an optimal perspective to convince all.Some people believe it is fresh views or new elements of ideology will play a key role in the new century,for the assimilate effects of globalization.However,some people maintain that the changes in environment will be most notable,since we have damage our circumstance so much,and gradually,people realizes the importance of environment.This opinion just coincide with that of mine.
Life without good environment just likes the Garden of Eden without glorious flower.People can easily produce machine to simplify our lives,but hardly to make our earth became what it was.The problem we are facing is that our quality of lives is declined,and we have to do something with it.Currently,we see,Cars is making poisons for flowers and fosters while factories is producing killers to birds and fishes.Never can we deny the effects that our environment was devastated.Every vacation,my family has to go to mountain,if we want to see stars and breath normal air.Thanks to God,people realize the result of our problematic development,and is undergoing the relative works.
Another reason is that the outcomes of the “non-environmental friendly” development not only concern the surroundings of daily life,but also jeopardize the really life itself of people.Such as the old and the young,the most vulnerable part.Resisting harmful emissions isn't a easy task for their body.After all,it’s bad for normal people as well.On the other hand,some strange diseases,as the result of that,appear much more frequently than ever since.Ergo,do a change in environment isn't some can be waited,but something emergent!
As mentioned above,environment,in my view,is most likely to be brought in this new century.I believe that environment should be something of people,by people,and for people,and I believe that the change will come soon.

答案

我觉得这篇作文很不错.
我个人能提炼出以下几点:
观点方面
论点：21世纪的重要改变将会是环境
分论点1：人们需要好环境
例子：城市环境污染 度假需要到山里去
分论点2：环境现状给人类带来的伤害
例子：人类健康受到疾病侵害
应该说例子是能够支持论点的.
语言方面：
我觉得文笔上很不错,感觉得出是精写的.不会成为被扣分的理由.
建议：
1）开头比较平淡,尝试下反问句吧,我觉得很好用...吸引读者.
2）第一个分论点最好再写明确一点.
3）最后那个of by for我觉得吧 未必一定要用...想用名句可以换一句嘛,这句有点生硬...
我个人YY一个分数的话
假设你Indipendent writing满分
作文应该能有27或28朝上