请帮我看看这篇雅思作文可以打几分

题目

请帮我看看这篇雅思作文可以打几分
In modern society many poor students with bad behaviors emerged in many countries schools which has become a focus in the society.At the same time ,it occurs to me that what is the reason that cause this?
As far as I am concerned,factors lead to this phenomenon are as follows,first and foremost,the pressure from the schools and parents even the society.When the pressure for the students reaches such proportion that they could not bear it any longer,they may do some things which are abnormal in the eyes of the common people.For instance,Ma jiajue from Tsinghua University killed several students is because he was discriminated by his classmates that brought him great pressure unconsciously.Moreover,the living surrounding also affect the behaviors of the students.If the surrounding of them is optimistic and bright,they can also solve the obstacles that they meet in a clear mind.Conversely,they may take measures which are violently.
What is needed in solving th

答案

有些低级的语法错误和不地道的表达,另外结构不是很清晰,字数我没数,但是看上去可能少了点.以我的经验这篇作文能得5分（字数满的情况下）