请教英语高手帮我修改一下英语复试自我介绍,急用,

题目

请教英语高手帮我修改一下英语复试自我介绍,急用,
Good afternoon,dear professors!
It is my great honor to be here for this interview.My name is xxx.I’m 23years old and I come from a very beautiful Coastal city –青岛.I'll be graduated with major of " xxx " in xxxUniversity in July 2011.Meanwhile,I am aiming for the continuous studies of xx专业 in XX学校.
I have been working diligently at my major.I have built up a solid foundation for professional knowledge and comprehensively improved my quality.
I am a man full of passion and enthusiasm）.Always I am interested in fresh things and I will be energetic when confronted with difficulties.I am a perseverant person.Once I set myself a goal,I will fight for it with all my efforts until the last moment.I am also an easygoing person enjoying a fine relationship with people around and at the same time,I’m also a man of teamspirit.
In my spare time,I like doing some sports and reading some news.Table tennis and jogging are my favorite sport.They keep me in good health,full of energy and breed optimism towards life.By reading news,I could know what’s going on in the society.
I have long admired XX学校because of its highly qualified faculty and strong academic environment in the field of XX专业.I am confident that I am a very qualified applicant for your subject group.
People always said when you get up in the morning,you have 2 choices:(1) go on sleeping,go on dreaming; (2) get up to pursue your dream.I'll choose the 2nd choice - to pursue my dream.I sincerely hope that you,dear Professors ,will grant me a chance to pursue my dream
最好能说明下为什么这么改 让我也知道个所以然...

答案

Good afternoon, dear professors! It is my great honor to be here for this interview. My name is xxx. I’m 23years old and I come from a very beautiful Coastal city –青岛.I'll graduate from xxxUniver...