请对我的托福作文评分,答案有价值的话追加100分

题目

请对我的托福作文评分,答案有价值的话追加100分
独立作文
Some young adults want independence from their parents as soon as possible.Other adults prefer to live with their families for a longer time.Which of these situations do you think is better?Use specific reasons and examples to support your opinion.
Take Independence as Treasure
For some unmature youngsters,independence may be the worst nightmare for them.They try to defend themselves by arguing that independence is a passive and miserable thing,why should someone ask for it even before it is possibe to stay at the safe dock of their families.In my opinion,however,independence is such a precious treasure that the earlier you get it,the more you will benefit from it,as long as you can survive this competitive modern world.
All mature human will admit that,as an individual in a competitive world,everyone owes a piece of unreplaceable responsibility to him or herself.We got family protection at a young age because we were then too vulnerabl

答案

不需要题目的.
隐喻很多,可加分
小词有的用得很好,词汇,短语比较不错
个别词不是特别地道
例子还可再具体些 现在这样也不错吧
第二三段,人作主语的句子太多,
句式较多样,再加入些非谓语 能更加分.only的倒装太俗
第一个观点的提出 还可以再鲜明一点.
段落最好加入一点总结句
总体是不错的吧 我觉得.应该可以得到 Good(4-5) 的那一档 可以在23 24 以上的分数