剑7作文求意见和修改,哪怕大致看下给个分也好,不剩感激.

题目

剑7作文求意见和修改,哪怕大致看下给个分也好,不剩感激.
As most people spend a major part of their adult life at work,job satisfaction is an important element of individual wellbeing.
What factors contribute to job satisfaction?
How realistic is the expectation of job satisfaction for all workers?
The feeling and mood during working time,which people spend most of their life time on,would to large degree determine people’s quality of life.Therefore,job satisfaction is considered an important factor contributing to individual wellbeing.
There are plenty of factors contributing to job satisfaction.Moreover,to different type of people,the dominating factors vary from one to another.Several factors are quite common to the majority and shared by large amount of workers.The first factor may be the achievement gained.Undoubtedly,landmarks of achievements are a reasonable indicator to measure how well an individual is working.New ideas,innovative improvements and competition prizes all bring satisfac

答案

首先,结构方面是没有问题的,开头,body段,结尾都很完整.不过建议你把There are plenty of factors contributing to job satisfaction.Moreover,to different type of people,the dominating factors vary from one to another.Several factors are quite common to the majority and shared by large amount of workers.这几句话放到第一段去,做一个比较完整的开头背景介绍.
语言方面,大的问题没有,可小问题也不少.你可能自己还需要再看一看,修改一下.
说几个比较明显的吧：
1.另外有些地方是不是太绝对了呢?People enjoy working only when they like talking and cooperating with team members.把only换成almost time...会不会好一点呢?
2.有些句子是有问题的.Ideally,everyone would like to have a job with high salary,least pressure and working time,and highest reputation,which is not realistic....which指的是什么?this thought or this kind of job?
整篇看下来..洋洋洒洒一大篇...写得还不错...应该是5.5左右.
不过好像现在雅思的作文很少考这种形式了...一般都是agree or disagree吧..