我的雅思作文已经连着两次五了,

题目

我的雅思作文已经连着两次五了,
Topic:Some people believe that children are given too much free time.They feel that this time should be used to do more school work.
How do you think children should spend their free time?
In many countries,parents today tend to send their children to supplementary classes in their free time.Because they believe too much free time for children to recreat is a waste of time in this rapidly developing society.However,many people think time outside school for children have much more useful function to them rather than receiving continued academic work.
Undeniably ,children in these days have to face up to more stress than ever before,as some continuous inventions regarding technologies and skills and the increasingly serious competition from peer.They have so many academic knowledge and practices should be done in school,if they want to receive the best education and obtain an excenllent job in the future.Therefore,it seems to make sense that leisure time for children should be reduced to take up more practical and useful school mission.
However,it is oversimple to conclude that time is useless and only should account for a little proportion of time during childhood of a kid .In fact ,many reaserch findings have confirm that these time have profound effects on a child's future development or individuality.For example,some boys or girls using free time play with other kids then help them to adjust to communication in an early age and built a powerful personal relationship.Additonally,some children applying these time help parents with housework and obtain the sense of fulfillment or responsibility.It surely brings about positive influences in chilren's growing prosess.By contrast,they unable to get these in school by doing academic job.Moreover,these free time give kids a chance to distribute their life between learning and playing,which is another essential ability for future development of an individual.
I personally believe that ,there must have enough free time for children to learn or experence something they are less likely to attain at school.In spite of importance of schooling as well ,free time for children themselves should not be diprived to do extra academic school work.

答案

同意楼上.另外我还觉得你的结构有些问题.第三段中你的第二个和第三个子观点有点简单了,可以再扩展或者举例,就像第一个子观点那样,这样看起来结构会好一些.