托福独立写作求批改!请给出建议和优缺点 还有几天就考试了 字数339

题目

托福独立写作求批改!请给出建议和优缺点 还有几天就考试了 字数339
Question:Many people believe that it is very important to make large amounts of money,while others are satisfied to earn a comfortable living.Analyze each viewpoint and take a stand.Give specific reasons for your position.
As we all know,money is important in our daily lives.We can use money to do a large amount of things like buying clothes which is really expensive or travelling around the world which is a dream for most people.But we don't really need those expensive clothes or luxious travel.As a result,in my opinion,I prefer to earn a comfortable living than make large amounts of money.
For one thing,having large amount of money can bring too many trouble.For instance,many people who is wealthy may have a high frequent of robberies.Due to their huge amount of money,those criminal can know their address,names and other private things easily because so many people know about their lives.They are sort of famous peoples who has no private like those movie stars or singers.The robberies which are brought by their wealthy can put them in danger.They may be killed during the fight against the criminals who wants their money.
Another reason is that the richers wil not be satisfied about their money,they want more.There is an old saying which says people will not be satisfied with what they already have.Just like the saying says,wealthy people will never be happy about the huge amount of money they have because they don't think it's enough.So they work harder and harder in order to get more money.The more money you earn,the fewer time you will spend on your family.And as a result,they will lose what is far more inmportant than money - family.
Finally,our goal of earning money is to give us a comfortable living.So if you already have a comfortable living,why bother about how much money you have?We should never lose our goal because of anything.Sadly,so many people just lose this goal on their way of making money.And they slowly begin to change their goal to make more money.It's really a tragedy.

答案

看了一下你的文章,你的语法句法都挺好的,而且单词拼写也没有错误. 你的第一段也给出了观点,但是给的例证不够充分,不够说服力.的确有钱会引人眼红,但是很多有钱人过得很好,你一定要给出具体的人或事来说明,或者report来支持自己的观点,不然这个例子只是你的一个idea,idea是不可以作为例证的,必须使用fact.
第二个例证有钱人会很greedy,也只有idea.
所以写出观点后要有具体的实例来证明自己的观点,不然整篇文章就是你一个人的idea,大家没有依据可以去查询去证实.
希望对你有帮助!