英语翻译

题目

英语翻译
With the development of enterprises,thehuman resource is becoming more and more important and people with greattalence is becoming the core of enterprise.How to have this group of people’sattention and keep them in the enterprise?The advantage of performanceassessment is one activity to attempt to this gole.This activity is aim to makean objective and fair human resource decision which based on thecollection,analyzation,accessment and retroaction of the workers’behavior andother aspects.As an efficient measure of enterprise management,an efficientperformance assessment plays an important part in the human resourcemanagement,if we apply it properly,it will bring many advantages,forexample,theworkers’passion,the cohesion of the enterprise ,the strong marketcompetitiveness.On the contrary,if we can’t apply it properly,a lot of troubleswill be made.Such as the lower satisfaction of workers,the loose of humanresonce,the worse benefits and so on.Effecient management of human resourc

答案

human resource 不加the,还有主语,不是人力资源越来越重要,而是其管理越来越重要,加management.这里最好用完成时（你结尾也用is becoming重复）.more and more 用烂了,不如替换has become increasingly或has gradually become.是great talent而非ce结尾,people不用is.人才吸引可用attracting talents（这里指人才）或talented persons attraction（名词短语）,而不是draw attention；若是递进句式表示吸引、留住人才,可用attract and retain talented employees.."the advantage of"去掉,整句话跟前文不搭,前文提的是问题,而这里又说达到这一目标,可改成“performance assessment is the answer”.activity多指活动,这里表达的意味应该是措施吧,替换measure或way,aim那儿改成is aimed at making.把decision提前,make an objective and fair decision in the management of human resource,which去掉.第一个efficient去掉,不然重复累赘.if整句改成proper application of it直接跟will.for example可改成such as来拉紧句子,其后的the去掉,the enterprise改成enterprises,the（去掉） strong market前逗号改and.contrary后变improper application of it will cause trouble.such as 可改成e.g..后面的the全去掉,没有worse benefit的说法,and so on和前面重复,去掉.efficient拼写错误.way可改approach（可直接加to enterprise success）.competical什么词?如果是论文建议把text换paper,talk主语是人,可用focus on,这句话好像是要举实例的意思,那应在focus 前再加also.