雅思大作文修改 求分数.

题目

雅思大作文修改 求分数.
many countries children engaged in some kind of paid work.Some people regard this as completely wrong,while others consider it as valuable work experience ,important for learning & taking responsibility.
作文如下：
In the present age ,it is generally arguable that whether should children be busy with some money-making jobs.Some people believe that this action is totally wrong while many others argue that paid work can afford work experience which is significant for study and taking obligations.As far as I am concerned,i am in favor of the former view.
There is no deny that the knowledge taught from schooling lay the foundation for the employment of the young students .Hence,children should concentrate on study firstly and mainly.Moreover,being engaged in some kind of part-time job may occupy their time for study.For instance,youngster may fall behind the others as a consequence of spending major time on paid work.Last but not the least,working in flexible societ

答案

In the present age(开头最好不要这样写 模板太明显的话 一般都是5-5.5分) ,it is generally arguable that whether (should放到孩子们的后面 whether是从句这里不用倒装) children be busy with some money-making ...