新托福作文求批改~~

题目

新托福作文求批改~~
在家工作好不好
正文：
Have you ever worked for a full day long period without any break? Have you ever felt helpless because of no pears around you when facing to a problem? Have you ever had a sense of loneness for staying all day long at home?
If you have some kinds of these experience, you will know working at home using computers or telephones instead of working in the office is a bad idea. Reasons are comming as follows:
Working at home can lower the effectiveness and thus result in keeping working all day long. Instead of office working time, no restrict working is needed when you are at home. That means, you can go to work in every tiny period of time. Freedom you can feel right? However, in other way, freedom of working time means no freedom of resting time. You may keep all day working because of the pile of jobs never go down. No saying the working time, how about the efficency? No one would justify your efficency any more, and thus your working effectiveness will be lower, making less contribute to the company. So, working at home do no good to a regular working time and may lower the efficiency.
Working in an office have many beneficials. One of the most obviously benefit is that, you can cooperate with your office partners. Nowadays we all value cooperation very high for the reason that, "Cooperation is productivity" Imaging that when you have an assignment to design a computer hardware, how much you need a team or cooperation group to fufill this goal. Admitedly, working at home may provide you a quite surroundings for inspirations, but this just an aspect of the total assignment, you still need group works which home-working can not provide you. In sum, working in office can help you communicate better with your partners.
Working in office, in sometimes, work as a group, will surely increase your relationship with partners. All of us are freshbodies, we all need friendships to keep a healthy mind. So working in offine can surely provide us an opinion to get such kinds of relationships.
To sum up all my opinions, although working at home can provide some convenience such as free schedule and quiet surroundings, it's benefits can not conquir that of working in office, which can prove our officency, help us cooperate better and increase our relationship between others.
400字,没订正过的原版,存在拼写、主谓一致等小错误10个,求打分,求修改建议求写作建议

答案

托福大忌——用疑问句!楼主第一段危险.
这是一道利弊题
应该用万金油解法.你这篇第一二段稍重复.
你这还有一个大问题,少例子.你三段一个例子没有,再一个危险.
这个判的严我估计18封顶了.