请大家帮忙看看这篇托福作文能得多少分?急

题目

请大家帮忙看看这篇托福作文能得多少分?急
0 - 离问题结束还有 14 天 13 小时
In the future,students may have the choice of studying at home by using technology such as computers or television or of studying at traditional schools.Which would you prefer?Use reasons and specific details to explain your choice.
正文：
In the future,students may have the chance to choose between studying at home by using technology such as computers and attending a traditional school.If I am given this chance to decide I will definitely choose to study at a traditional school due to three main benefits studying at home cannot provide.
t of all,studying at traditional school gives great opportunity to make close friends.A large percentage of students would agree that the most joyful thing of being a student is enjoying social life with their classmates.And as a result of studying at traditional school,your relationship with others can be developed quickly while staying at home can only make one miss a lot of fun.
Seco

答案

22分左右
首先开头就不好 第一句几乎照抄 应该要paraphrase E.X：In the future,advanced technology may be available to students who prefer studying at home.It might be efficient to use television or computer as a study tool instead of going to a traditional school.However,it seems to me that.
开头必须有亮点 并且需要给出观点
"one learn better" 没有这样的用法 要么用people can learn better
你很喜欢用one 但这是错误的 要么用people 要么用someone 或 he 指代
“ when there are teachers to teach them”----redundant and awkward!