求改错,自己写的老师英文推荐信

题目

求改错,自己写的老师英文推荐信
I take great pleasure in recommending Mr. Ao Yang, my former student, for admission into your distinguished postgraduate program. I got to know him when he took my Operating System course.
At first, Mr. Ao’s ordinary appearance did not catch much of my attention. Later, I gradually found that he was intelligent, being able to raise the questions that other students could not reach. Moreover, he often had personal talks with me about the cutting-edge technologies in the network field. His enthusiasm on the study of computer networks and breadth of the relevant knowledge gave me deep impressions.
Mr. Ao is an initiative and conscientious student, seeking self-improvement constantly. He had personal talks with me several times, I found she indicated a great interest in Japanese language and literature.
In China nowadays, computer and network technologies are relatively falling behind in comparison with the western countries. So I personally very much support Mr. Lin to further his study and refine his skills in your institution. And I am sure that it will be tremendously helpful to his future career. I recommend him without any reservation. If you want to know more about him, please do not hesitate to contact with me.
是不是会有点少啊?可以帮我改进补充一下吗?学的是计算机,申请的也是计算机~谢谢了~

答案

I take great pleasure in recommending Mr. Ao Yang, my former student, for admission into your distinguished postgraduate program.这句话帮你改成：I take pleasure in recommending my previous classmate,Mr Ao Yang, to join in your distinguished postgraduate program.
At first, Mr. Ao’s ordinary appearance did not catch much of my attention.这句话改成：At first, Mr Ao's ordinary apperance did not attract my attention. 吸引某人,不用catch,要用attract.
Later, I gradually found that he was intelligent, being able to raise the questions that other students could not reach. 这句话改成：Later, I gradually found that he was a delicated and intelligent person who could do the question that other could not deal with.解决问题,不用raise,用deal with或是cope with或是solve等.
Mr. Ao is an initiative and conscientious student, seeking self-improvement constantly. I found she indicated a great interest in Japanese language and literature.这里这改成：He is an delicated and obsorted student and he is always seeking self-improvement chance.
In China nowadays, computer and network technologies are relatively falling behind in comparison with the western countries.这句话语序改成：Nowdays, in comparison with wester countries,computer and networks technology in china are relatively falling behind.
I recommend him without any reservation. If you want to know more about him, please do not hesitate to contact with me. 这句话不好,改成：I am sorry that I recommend him without any reservation with you. Thanks for your attention and please contact with me if you would like to know more about him.
帮你调整下格式：
Dear***,
How is everything going in these days?
I take pleasure in recommending my previous classmate,Mr Ao Yang, to join in your distinguished postgraduate program.
I got to know him when he took my Operating System course.At first, Mr Ao's ordinary apperance did not attract my attention. Later, I gradually found that he was a delicated and intelligent person who could do the question that other could not deal with.Moreover, he often had personal talks with me about the cutting-edge technologies in the network field. His enthusiasm on the study of computer networks and breadth of the relevant knowledge gave me deep impressions.He is an delicated and obsorted student and he is always seeking self-improvement chance.He had personal talks with me several times, I found she indicated a great interest in Japanese language and literature.
Nowdays, in comparison with wester countries,computer and networks technology in china are relatively falling behind.So I personally very much support Mr. Lin to further his study and refine his skills in your institution. And I am sure that it will be tremendously helpful to his future career.I am sorry that I recommend him without any reservation with you. Thanks for your attention and please contact with me if you would like to know more about him.
Best Regards,
XXXX
总体上很行,只是有些句子表达不好,主要的几个帮你改过来了,语法也要多注意.格式我已经帮你调整好了.
希望对你有帮助!