How to write an appropriate introduction?Who can help me polish this script?Thanks?

题目

How to write an appropriate introduction?Who can help me polish this script?Thanks?
I am going to attend an
independent enrollment interview of a university.An appropriate introduction is
needed.Following is the draft,which I hope you can help me to polish and correct
some grammar mistakes I made(because I am not a native English speaker of
course).Because this is an oral introduction,the diction should not be to
formal.
I'm Charlie,from Petard High School.My hobby is computer
programming.I bought many books about Ruby,C++,Delphi,OpenGL and Assembly
language,and I learned them myself when I was in junior high school.So,two years
ago,I coded an OpenGL-based multi-threaded graphics engine and subconsequently
built a website and earned a fortune.
Because of this experience where I had
to log on some foreign forums such as OpenGL.org to discuss some technical
topics in English,I realized the importance of English.As a result,I made it a
rule to listen to English podcasts every day;and keep an English diary every
night.Gradually,English has become part and parcel of my life.Ultimately,I
devoted myself to major in English.This is not a compromise,but I will learn
programming myself and try starting my own business while in university.My dream
is to own a business of myself,not just to be a self-employed freelancer.I motto
is where there is a will there is a way,so I believe I can make it with my will!

答案

　　I'm Charlie,from Petard High School.My hobby is computer programming.
应该多些几个爱好吧,至少要说one of my hobbies is..否则显得兴趣很单薄
I bought many books about Ruby,C++,Delphi,OpenGL and Assembly language,and I learned them myself when I was in junior high school.So,two years ago,I coded an OpenGL-based multi-threaded graphics engine and subconsequently built a website and earned a fortune.Because of this experience where I had to log on some foreign forums such as OpenGL.org to discuss
感觉这句里的where有点问题,不知道你想要表达的是什么意思..
some technical topics in English,I realized the importance of English.As a result,I made it a rule to listen to English podcasts every day;and keep an English diary every night.Gradually,English
“everyday and to keep”
has become part and parcel of my life.Ultimately,I devoted myself to major in English.This is not
"has become a part of my life" " devoted myself to majoring"动词应该改成ing形式,不过这儿用这个词组显得很奇怪.不如直接说"Ultimately,I decided to major in English.
a compromise,but I will learn programming myself and try starting my own business while in
最好改成”However,this is not a compromise,because I will learn programming myself and try to start my own business"
university.My dream is to own a business of myself,not just to be a self-employed freelancer.I motto is where there is a will there is a way,so I believe I can make it with my will!
My motto is "where there is a will,there is a way"