谁能帮我判判作文?我下个月8号就要考雅思了.

题目

谁能帮我判判作文?我下个月8号就要考雅思了.
剑桥四 第一篇作文
我写的：According to the table,there were different categories of families living in poverty in Austualia in1999.
To sun up,there were 11%of the all husband living in the position deeply.It is about 1837000.It is noticeable that those consisting of only are parent or a single adult were more lakely to fall in trouble,with 21% and 19%.A common family and a family with no child was account for only 13% and 7%,which shands in marked contrast to then.
It is chear from the chart the relationship between sigle and couple appear proportion.Single adults were 2 times than couples without children(7%).
However,it didn't affect elder people too much.When they were not young,they were not to be poor.Single with 6%,and couple with 4%.
In conclusion,children trend family a lot in the table until they were old.
图表作文，不同的人生活在贫困的比率。

答案

最基本的,词数不满150.
有单词拼写错误,这是不能犯得错误吖.例如第二段开头应该是“to sum up”.
to sum up应该用在最后.
时态应用现在时.
they were not to be poor是病句,应把to be去掉.
其它的.尽量找突出的数据例如最值点来陈述.还有,多用长难句.
因为不知道题目,所以不能评价太多.这文章...应该只有4.5.