有篇雅思小作文哪位高手帮忙看看能得计分,有错请批评指正（这是剑桥雅思4 Text3里的WRITING TASK1）

题目

有篇雅思小作文哪位高手帮忙看看能得计分,有错请批评指正（这是剑桥雅思4 Text3里的WRITING TASK1）
The chart appears that the different suitation of post-school were reached by men and women in Australia in 1991
Form the graphic,we can see that women and men have a large of gap in some categories,especially in skilled vicational diploma,which have 90% men who were approximately 9 times as much as women in 1991.In undergraduate diploma,howere,the percentage of women were doubled than men who stood at 40%.The most similiaroties between the percentage of women and men hold degree’s suitition in Australia exists in Bachelor’s degree.And then,the men with postgraduate diploma were more than wemen,70% and 30% respectively.As the same time,in Master’s degree category,number of women less than men who attained 60%

答案

第一句用show更好些 suitation 比较生僻,是situation?
第二段第一句话graph是名词,并且你一定要注意graph和chart是不一样的 第一句应该是 in many categories 还有large本身就是形容词,后面不用跟of.which后应该是has因为你用它代diploma. times是可数,用as many as.还有In undergraduate diploma和however做同一成分,它俩不能并存,可把however放后面些 还有the percentage of women ?这也不清楚 有时间再帮你改...我先睡一觉 你要多多加油了