雅思剑5test1小作文 求评价.

题目

雅思剑5test1小作文 求评价.
The line graph describes some data about the percentage of the population aged 65 and over during 1940 to 2040 in Japan,Sweden and United Statesx05
As can be seen from this line graph,there is an increasing trend in the number of old people in three countries.More precisely,the percentage of population went up gradually from 9% in 1940 to 15% in 1982 and it will remain stable at 14% in 2018.After that ,the proportion of population aged 65 and over is expected to reach 23% in 2040.Similarly ,the proportion of population age 65and over in Sweden accounted for 7% in 1940 to 26% in 2040.While,the percentage of population aged 65 and over in USA remained steady at 5% by the end of 2008,After that,there is a substantial surge and occupies at 27% in 2040.
Therefore,it shows that the percentage of 65+ people are soring moderately in the next three decades.

答案

The line graph describes some data about the percentage
=》是不是可以改成 The line graph describes the percentage...
aged 65 and over
=》aged 65 and older
As can be seen from this line graph,there is an increasing trend in the number of old people in three countries.More precisely,the percentage of population went up gradually from 9% in 1940 to 15% in 1982 and it will remain stable at 14% in 2018(那个国家?）.After that（去掉?）,the proportion of population aged 65 and over is expected to reach 23% in 2040.Similarly（跟什么说similarly,前后说的好像不一样） ,the proportion of population age 65and over in Sweden accounted for 7% in 1940 to 26% in 2040（对将来数据的预测,时态是否不对?）.While,the percentage of population aged 65 and over in USA remained steady at 5% by the end of 2008,After that,there is a substantial surge and occupies at 27% in 2040（对将来数据的预测,时态是否不对?）.
Therefore,it shows that the percentage of 65+ people are soring moderately in the next three decades.（ 未来三年应该是数据预测,不是shows吧.,另外,soring moderately,适度的飙升?有点矛盾?）
soring => soaring