求大神批改雅思作文~能告诉我大概的分数和需要努力的方向吗?

题目

求大神批改雅思作文~能告诉我大概的分数和需要努力的方向吗?
作文题目是：Some people think university education should prepare students for employment while others think I should help students acquire theoretical knowledge.Discuss both views and give your own opinion.
正文：In the present days,there are many debates on the characteristic of university education.Some people agree that guidance and help about recruitment should be given to students by universities,while others believe that universities should help students grasp theoretical knowledge.From my personal view,I think university education should be of both these two functions.
Personally I admitted the importance of universities in teaching theoretical knowledge.The higher education,firstly,is responsible for offering fundamental knowledge and skills to students within a certain field of discipline.Only good preparation of theoretical knowledge could pave the way for an ideal job,otherwise students may not have the basics to actual works and even chance

答案

第一感觉,模板套的太过生硬,印象就不好.其它方面.建议你当面找老师或者比你厉害的朋友改.网上给了你建议你自己吸收不了的.