求牛人批改托福作文,

题目

求牛人批改托福作文,
You have been told that dormitory rooms at your university must be shared by tow students.Would you rather have the university assign a student to share a room with you,or would you rather choose your own roommate?Use specific reasons and details to explain your answer.
单词数：360
Students seldom agree with each other in such a debatable issue that which is better,a roommate selected on one’s own or assigned by the university.While someone assigned by officials may bring one a lot of surprise and an opportunity to get in touch with people from different layers and cultural background which probably will broaden one’s horizon,as opponents may point out,I would prefer to share a dormitory with someone I pick on my own.
The roommate chosen on one’s own would be more acceptable.First impression plays a significant role in the relationship,and chosen one,as is often the case,perhaps has left an excellent first impression to another one.So they are more likely to get along well with each other.By contrast,if someone’s roommate is assigned by university,which is probably a disaster,there certainly will be offense or even a conflict because of a sense to defend called defense mechanism in psychology.
Moreover,everyone knows who will be the perfect person to be his/her roommate but university knows nothing about it.They,roommates,may share the same interest,share the same goal to fight for or even share the same time arrangement(schedule) which,nevertheless,the university gets nothing to know.However,on the contrary,if they have nothing in common or something in collision,what will happen?For instance,for the huge gap of habits a student named Ma Jiajue murdered his roommate with a knife during the night which has happened recently in Yunnan,china.What’s worse is that quantities of similar affairs are still happening all over the world every day,they indicate that it is of harms to let students share a room with a wrong person.So,to avoid this kind of tragedy I do hold a strong bias in choosing my roommate on my own.
Although some opponents would argue that university assigning one’s roommate will further the communication and better the harmony,on the other hand,I believe that there are other ways to promote these aspects as well.In other words,the potential benefits overweigh its harm.
In conclusion,I would rather choose a roommate by myself to share the dormitory with.

答案

我把看不懂或觉得变扭的地方括起来了 我是上国际学校的...有时候改的有点苛刻,请谅解..不一定是语法上问题,要听上去舒服.
虽然说写作才28分..不过我口语也28- -还能算是母语的.
The choice between choosing a roomate on their own or through the help from the university has been difficult for many students indeed.While roomates assigned by officials may bring one a lot of surprise and an opportunity to get in touch with people from different layers and cultural background,I nonetheless prefer to share a dormitory with someone I pick on my own.
(probably will broaden one’s horizon,as opponents may point out) 这个不合适,很Chinglish...
First of all,roommates chosen on one’s own would be more acceptable.Since first impressions play a significant role in a relationship,for two person to chose each other as roomates would definitely leave an excellent first impression.By contrast,if a person's roomate is assigned by the university,which might turn out to be catastrophic,would certainly incite offense or even conflict due to a sense of defiance towards unfamiliarity.(sense to defend called defense mechanism in psychology完全看不懂...) 这里还要一个举例.否则paragraph不完整.
Moreover,most students know exactly what type of roomates would be most perfect them,whereas universities know little about it.The roommates would be able to share the same interests,ideas,goals or even schedules of which the university would never be able to plan.If two had nothing in common or having conflicts on a particular idea or topic,what will happen then?Due to the huge gap of habits,a student named Ma Jiajue has recently murdered his roommate with a knife during the night in Yunnan,China.(这个例子太极端,不好理解,完全是吵架事故这类的...) What’s worse is that the quantities of similar affairs are still happening all over the world everyday,thus indicating that it is harmful and dangerous for students to share a room with a wrong person.Hence,to avoid this kind of tragedy I do hold a strong bias in choosing my roommate on my own.
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