麻烦高手给雅思作文评下分

题目

麻烦高手给雅思作文评下分
The government should stop putting money in national defense.To what extent do you agree?
It is quite common these days for all the countries in the world to spend a great deal of money on strengthening national defense.This trend is not restricted to developed countries,but is also evident among developing countries which has needy resources and a large number of poor citizens.Thus,many people assert that government should stop investing in defensing.Personally,I agree with this view.
Convincing arguments can be made that building national defense is a short-sighted policy.To start with,this policy has detrimental influence upon the relationships between the countries.More specifically,the national defense must lead to other countries' panic,which brings about a new round of seeking hegemony in the world.Namely,the World War Three is on the way.Furthermore,for both developed and developing countries,there are a host of imperative things prevailing over national defense.For instance,the goverments of developing countries should attach importance to control population explosion and generate employment opportunities as well as create a democratic and enlightened governments instead of defensing national security.Similarly,the authorities of developed countries also require to help other deprived areas alleviate poverty and promote the whole world to advance in a harmony way.
Admittedly,the government expense on national defense to certain degree is the cornerstone of keeping society safe and stable.However,as a matter of fact,we are still in a peace world.Accordingly.under such circumstance,national defense seems unnecessary.
In sum,I concede the functionality of national defense.Despite that,I tend to believe in order to remove the barrier for communication between nations and avoid causing tension and conflicts between different areas,government must stop allocating money to nation defense.

答案

挺不错的,应该可以打到7分,只是有些连贯词用得有一点奇怪,在逻辑上还可以在加强一点~