雅思作文,希望这方面的老师可以帮忙打个分,提个意见!

题目

雅思作文,希望这方面的老师可以帮忙打个分,提个意见!
Research indicates that the characteristics we are born with have much more influence on our personality and development than any experiences we may have in our life.Which do you consider to be the major influence?
正文：
A person's personality,including whether he or she is considerate,tolerant or passionate,may be affected by several factors,among which the circumstance around and the inherent characteristic are the two principal ones which have raised heat debate in different groups of people.Although some researches show the support for the latter one,I cast my vote to the other side.
It is the fact that people born in families with discrepancies on their economic and educational levels would probably become representatives of two entirely different classes in the society.One of them may have the opportunity to be sent to study abroad at his or her early age and can finally end up with a prestigious scholar.By contrast,another poor child with eagerness to study at school whose parents cannot even afford the tuition,instead,can only learn a useful skill as soon as possible in order to maintain the family's usual life.
In addition,it is more likely to possess some negative emotions like depression for a child growing in broken families compared to the one owning a harmonious family.
Some people may hold the view that the genetic things initially decide people's personality which considerably influence their future career.However,they're too simplifying the situation.As far as I'm concerned,twins born at the same time are rarely engaged in similar business.It is because that they experience something different from each other which gradually build their own figures with complicated characteristics.
To sum up,colorful cases people encounter definitely play a more crucial role than the original genes during the process of building their personality and business.

答案

A person's personality, including(删掉) whether he or she is considerate, tolerant or passionate, may be affected by several factors, among which the circumstance（environment） around and the inherent characteristic(s) are the two principal ones which have raised heat debate in different groups of people. Although some researches show the(their) support for the latter one, I cast my vote to the other side.
It is the fact that people born in families with discrepancies on their economic and educational levels would probably become representatives of two entirely different classes in the society. One of them may have the opportunity to be sent to study abroad at his or her early age and can finally end up with a prestigious scholar. (,)By contrast,(while) another poor child(the other) with eagerness to study at school whose parents cannot even afford the tuition, instead, can only learn a useful skill as soon as possible in order to maintain the family's usual life(make a living and surpport the family).
In addition, it is more likely to possess some negative emotions like depression for a child growing in broken families compared to the one owning a harmonious family.
Some people may hold the view that the genetic things initially decide people's personality which considerably influence their future career. However, they're too simplifying the situation. As far as I'm concerned, twins (born at the same time去掉) are rarely engaged in similar business. It is because that they experience（d） something different from each other which gradually build(t) their own figures with complicated characteristics.
To sum up, colorful cases people encounter definitely play a more crucial role than the original genes during the process of building their personality and business(development).