求高人批改雅思作文,请问这样能拿多少分呢?

题目

求高人批改雅思作文,请问这样能拿多少分呢?
At present,an excellent education is not
simply confined to the delivery of knowledge.It involoves the cultivation of
different consciousness .So whether the sense of competition or cooperation
should be encouraged in children arouses controversy.
Competition is widely throught to be the
main driving force for humankind.Without the competition,people would gain a
sense of fulfillment rather than the crisis awareness.They even become slothful
and be unwilling to confront with the risk and challenge.So the sense of
competition can provide people with the motivation which can inspire them to be
aggressive.Also,competition can help individual to stimulate the ability and
fulfill the potential since people will do their utmost to defeat their rivals
under the pressure.Additionally,compared with other competitors,people would
find their own shortcomings and draw on others' strengths,thereby bettering
themselves.
However,the sense of competition may lead
people to be selfish and pretentious,so it is essential for children to learn
to cooperate with others as cooperation is beneficial to stengthen bonds among
children,avoid conflicts and make them understand the importance of team
spirit,especially when they are doing some group activities such as the
football match and short play.Further,cooperation can promote the development
of communication skills which contributes towards the abilies to organize and
coordinate.Most importantly,effective cooperation can boost the efficiency and
save the time and money.That is to say,there would be a win-win situation for
people,on condition that they learn to build cooperative relationships.
Both competition and cooperation are
integral parts of human lives,they become increasingly interralated and
interdependent.Therefore,I think people should help their children to strike a
balance between them and I believe children can inspire each other and achievecommon progress by keeping a competitive throught in cooperation.
Some people think that a sense of competition in children should be encouraged.Others believe that children who are taught to co-operate rather than compete become more useful adults.Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.

答案

1."involoves",这里应该是"involves";
2." in children",是不是改为among更好点?
3.“throught ”,应是"thought";
4."be unwilling to ",这里be用的不对,前边缺东西.
5.”confront with“,这里用错了,confront是个及物动词,应当直接跟宾语.
6.”since people will do their utmost “,这里since用的似乎不对吧?
7."draw on others' strengths,thereby bettering themselves.改为：draw on others' strengths to better themselves.是否更好?个人感觉你用的似乎不恰当.
8.”pretentious,so “这句话前后不搭,有木有?”stengthen bonds“,不是加强团结的意思吧?
9.” save the time “,去掉the.
10."Both competition and cooperation are integral parts of human lives,they become increasingly interralated and interdependent",这句缺少了连词.
11.”interralated “,应是,interrelated
12."throught in cooperation",很不通顺,是否有错?
（看雅思的作文,真的很费时间,好多单词我都不太认识.你词汇好丰富,很佩服!但是个人感觉,你通篇作文中还是简单句太多了,还有意思重复的内容貌似多了点,你可以用复杂句型来表达丰富含义嘛,要不会显得很累赘,对吗?不过你的词汇量真的很大,很厉害.如果我上面的改正有什么不足,请指正!）