自己写的托福作文,求猛批啊

题目

自己写的托福作文,求猛批啊
With the development of our society,our people pay more and more attention on our sense of happiness.As a vital factor in our daily life,happiness brings us power,arouses our enthusiasm for loving life,and helps us create a promising future.There is a saying that job is greater happiness than social life,which,in my
opinion,is too exaggerated.
Admittedly,job can make us feel happy.Firstly,it can meet our material needs by working hard.As we earn money by working,we can use these money to buy grand houses,invest our children’s education,or do whatever we want to do.We will feel delighted if all our goals are accomplished.Secondly,doing a job can help us realize our dreams and self-value,which can make us feel happy and fulfillment.For example,Bill Gates,the world richest man,wasaddictedto software design when he was a college student.In order to realize his dream,he dropped out of school to open a software company.After so many years’ hard working,his company becomes the world biggest
software company,and he finally realized his dream and self-value.He gains
happiness from his work.
However,we can’t simple draw the conclusion that job is greater happiness than social life because a healthy social life with our friends is also the source of happiness.Fist of all,our friends can help us get rid of some morbid emotions and feel happy again.Whenever we are in blue,a long-time conversation with our friends would always make us feel better and happy again.Take Marx and Engels as example,when Marx encountered major setback on his career and was dispirited.It’s Engels who always wrote and talked to him to cheer him up.What’s more,our friends can help and support us if we meet big problems.Finally,we can have a lot of fun with our friend.We can have some group activities together like singing,dancing,or playing basketball,which can not only make us feel happy but also teach us a lot.For instance,when playing basketball with our friend,we can have the happiness that the victory brings and learn how to cooperate with others and keep insistence as well.
To sum up,both our jobs and social life canbring us happiness,so it’s important and necessary to have them both.

答案

After so many years’ hard working,his company becomes the world biggest
software company.
建议：
After so many years' endeavor,his company has become the biggest software company of the world.
we can have the happiness that the victory brings and learn .
改为：
we can have the happiness of victory and learn .
happiness,so it’s important and necessary to have them both.
改为：
happiness,so it’s significant and necessary to enjoy them both.