ielts大作文求修改意见~

题目

ielts大作文求修改意见~
[题目]Some people think museums should be enjoyable places to attract and entertain young people,while others think the purpose of museums should be to educate,not entertain.Discuss both sides and give your own opinion.
[正文]
some people consist that the role of museum is to attract and entertain the youth .however some others assume that the main purpose of museum is to educate.when it comes to me ,i prefer museum to be a place full of attraction and delight.
both attraction and entertainment are absolutely vital to museums .it is the exciting features of museums that makes people enjoy and take an interest in the fantastic exhibits.attraction makes possible for museums to draw people to visit them.once people meet the wonderful exhibits there ,the mystery of knowledge will be unveiled and then people will learn more.to cite an example,i knew nothing about and took no interest in space technology until i came across with a fantastic museum on a journey.the

答案

第一段要概括题目的观点,不要照抄题目.或者干脆抓住题目的重点【museum】写一两句来引入正题 这篇文章结构还可以,但是Chinglish的味道实在太重.建议多读一读国外的文章,比如The Economist杂志上的文章,让语言更通顺...