请问您可以帮我改下我的托福作文么?

题目

请问您可以帮我改下我的托福作文么?
我的英语基础很差,..T...看到了您的其他回答觉得您是很很厉害又很善良很热心的人!..如果您有时间的话请您帮帮我吧!我会很感激很感激您的~
Nowadays,most of us attend college or university for career preparation.However,the acquisitions you might obtain during your college years will not only help you to get an ideal job when you graduate,but also allow you to meet with success in the long run.Such as an effective diploma,companionship with your classmates and professinal knowledge.All of these will keep you being sure of yourself.
First of all,getting an effective diploma can always bring you a well beginning.Because a college diploma is always accepted by employers as proof of competence in a given field.For example,if you held a diploma of a superexcellent college after having learning economic for years,you might easily get employed by a large company in the Wall Street which can provide you much more opportunities to succeed.So you can even simply say that it is a diploma that lead a series of good luck.
Secondly,b

答案

第一 最好能给个题目,因为托福作文即使范文都会有拼写或者语法错误,所以扣题和逻辑是最重要的.
第二,你犯了大部分人都有的错误,就是“you , your”等词,（个人认为这个是大忌）这个是不能用的.考官看了会很迷茫,你整篇都在说“你的”,还有“你”怎么怎么样”.
第三,缺少一个结尾,这个其实如果考试时时间不够都可以不写,但是最好写一下来加强观点等.
the acquisitions you might obtain 、Such as an effective diploma, companionship with your classmates and professinal knowledge. All of these will keep you being sure of yourself这些表达都很奇怪.
推荐你看下新东方的写作速成.那本书精看一下写作挺容易提高的.
写作主要是：1.最重要的逻辑,你用题库来锻炼思路就好了.
2.词汇 这个光背单词绝对没用,就好比你有很多珍珠,但是要用绳子才能穿起来做成项链.所以最好看一下写作词汇,那些都是词组.
3.brainstorm.能很快找到支持自己观点的有力证据.
这个.每句的修改什么的就不说了吧.
你这个题目是题库中的第一道题~
建议你改一下内容.use stronger point to support your essay.
这个问题的写作思路在新东方写作高分速成上也有,建议再练一下思路.