托福 求大侠修改独立写作.

题目

托福 求大侠修改独立写作.
do you agree or disagree that a teacher who is serious and strict is more efficient than a teacherwho uses humors and is easygoing?
Various kinds of teachers taught me during my 14 school years.I would not agree with the issue above since it was those teachers who were humorous and easygoing but not those who were strict and serious that made me study more efficiently in my memories.
It is true that students will do things as their teacher tells them more efficiently if they have a strict teacher.Because students are afraid of that kind of teacher and have to do the work their teacher told them in time.But weather the students are learning well or understanding their work is not sure.Most students maybe just want to finish their work to avoid the punishment of their teacher; and thus they do not thinking carefully or even cheating others' work.If so it obviously cannot improve the efficient of students' studying.
Also students are always afraid of asking questions to those teachers who are serious and strict.Thus their problems in learning the subject will accumulate as time goes on.All of these questions will slow down their following studies if they do not solve them in time.Instead,an easygoing teacher will be much better.My math teacher in my senior high school was such a woman.She was so kind that all the students do not worry if she will have bad response when asking her questions.And when she said something confusing in the class,we do not afraid to point it out.This made the knowledge in her mind extremely understood by us.
In addition,teachers who use humors improve the leisure atmosphere for students studying and discussing questions.Compared with serious and strict teachers they make students interest in what they are learning and absorb the knowledge better.When I was in junior middle school,students were always sleepy and hungry at the third classes in the morning.But when it was physics class in which the teacher was a humor man,most of my classmates got rid of their beautiful dreams and forgot the tired.He always used funny stories or analogy when he was teaching difficult and boring problems.In this way we understood those physical problem much better than other subjects,and our average scores of the final exam was as high as 90 whose the full score was 100.
All in all,humorous and easygoing teachers lead students to study with fun and well understood what they learn.Students in their class would be more effective but not those serious and strict teachers'.

答案

effective用太多了,词汇不够,多背些范文.
不要老用自己的例子,讲口语也就罢了,写作里面自己的例子不具有说服力.
语法错误很多,"and our average scores of the final exam was as high as 90 whose the full score was 100"这句话不想评价了.用中文的方式翻译成英文的痕迹很明显,如果我能看出来考官肯定也能看出来,还是多背些范文,看看人家的句子是怎么写的.
思路上还说得过去,感觉这文章不是很好写,看看讲教师类的文章能用上哪些话,尽量做到elaborated,我觉得海伦凯勒的老师就是个不错的例子.
PS：开头段最好还是把topic再交代下