一篇托福独立作文,能帮我打下分么

题目

一篇托福独立作文,能帮我打下分么
When it comes to the issue whether technology has made children less creative than they were in the past or not,different people hold different view.If I were faced the same question,I may agree that the technology does have negative effects on juveniles' creativity.In the following part of the article,I would like to reason and provide evidence to support my opinion.
The main reason I can not neglect is that many high technology products take up lots of our spare time so we don't have enough time to do anything relate to creation.Since the invention of high technique products like personal computer ,children are addicted to computer games and spend considerable time on them,which differs from the lives when there have not been these products.In the past,they used to read books and played in nature which might be good for their creativity.For example,Newtom found the law of gravity while he sat under an apple tree,and if a computer had been invented,he might stay in his room and use computer and wouldn't have that chance.
Another chief and head reason I has chosen to put here is that the exsitence of technology weakens our motivation to create new things.Because we have all things we need,it seems to be not necessary for us to be creativity.Let me take the steam engine as an example.Before the appearance of steam engine,the factories needed lots of workers to work for them,it's the demanding of new power attributed to the inventing of steam engine.Therefore,the lack of technology is the incentive for us to enhance our ability of creation.
The last but not the least reason is really personal,for me,the modern way of teaching by using PPT is not suitable.By using PPT,teachers teach lessens very quickly,as a result,I don't have time to think,to some extent,it reduce my creativity.
In a nutshell,it is suffices to say that modern technology can weaken children's ability of creation for the reasons I have mentioned above.

答案

虽然我不是专业的老师,可是还是有一定信心点评一下这篇作文的
首先呢,单复数有一点点小问题,但是不会影响总体.思路是比较连贯的,意思大概也能表达的蛮清楚的.
我觉得你的主要问题是词汇不够等级,比如说so、because、and 这些基础词汇应该尽可能的改动,比如说：but i need to do it可以改成 i,nevertheless,need to do it
这只是一个例子,还有,多去看同义词替换,一个词语最好不要用多于两次
每段开头应该有清晰的叙述分段次,比如 to begin with,in the first place 等
chief and head 应该改成vital,这是个美国佬爱用的词
然后teachers teach lessens very quickly
最好改为teachers are able to teach lessens very quickly
I don't have time to think,太chinglish了.
总体还是可以的,30分满分,可以拿到大概22分的样子,还需努力呀!