雅思强人请进,给我的小作文打个分,并给点建议!

题目

雅思强人请进,给我的小作文打个分,并给点建议!
剑桥5 test1 小作文
In turns of the proportion of population aged 65 and over,this graph shows the rate of old people in USA,Japan and Sweden well.In general the trend in USA,Japan and Sweden is upwards.In 1940 the rate of people aged 65 and over in USA is nearly 10%,followed by Sweden about 7% and Japan 5%.Then the Japan’s level fell to around 3% by 1960 and remained steadily until 2003.While at the same time the old people in USA and Sweden both increased.The proportion reaches at 15% in USA and 14% in Sweden by 1982.
Despite some fluctuation,scientists predict that the proportion of population aged 65 and over will sharply increase in next two decades.Japan will experience a dramatic increase from2030 to 2033.In only three years,the rate of old people will increase from 10% to 25%.After having a decline from 2010 to 2030,the number of old people in USA will also go up and Sweden enjoys the same growth rate as USA.At 204o,the proportion of population age

答案

个人觉得如果9分的作文,小作文占3分的话,这篇应该在1.5左右
我水平也不是很高,给你几个我的建议把
1.一定分段写,我没有看到题目,但是我强烈建议文章一定要分段,这样看起来更有条理.
2.注意一些小的语法错误,例如第二行的the trend in USA,Japan and Sweden is upwards,trend是可数的,upwards最好当副词用,个人觉得做表语并不合适.小的语法错误往往带来很多的失分.
3.时态.The proportion reaches at 15% in USA and 14% in Sweden by 1982.reaches显然应该为reached.看得出来这个图表牵涉到将来时态,你也注意了运用,但是还是遗漏了一些.倒数第二行At 2040,the proportion of population aged 65 and over is quite different from it was in 1940,is应当改用will be,Japan has 改为Japan will have,前面的Sweden enjoys 改为Sweden will enjoy
4.尝试用一些从句.你的文章中多为一些简单句型,从句可以为文章增分.
5.尝试一些替换词,old people可以有很多替换词,你这里old people出现的次数过于多了,稍显累赘.senior citizens,elderly people/individuals什么的
6.也看得出来你学过并尝试运用了一些表示增长与下降的词,也注意了程度上的运用,这些值得赞扬.
就写这么多了,作文需要多练,多看别人写的文章积累经验,祝你雅思有一个好成绩