马上要考试了 帮忙改托福作文

题目

马上要考试了 帮忙改托福作文
With people's changing their opinion on what a talented person is,students are required by schools to have the ability on organizing an activity and playing a proper role in teamwork.As a result the idea that sports and social activities are just as important as classes and libraries and should receive equal financial support came up to us.From where I stand I support it.
As far as we all know,a nerd or a bookworm can not live a colorful life as a man with various capabilities do,and taking part in sports and social activities can be the right choice for them to gain the abilities.Take my older sister as an example.She is a girl who always does a good job in grades,lacking of social activites' experience.Last year she got the admission to one of the top universities in Mainland China.No wondering that students around her are all talents in studying.Based on the fact that university is a place for student to gain knowledge as well as show themselves,my elder sister can't adjust herself into the colorful life when she was a freshman.Experiencing the first year's lonely and frustration,she started devoting herself into sports and social activities.It is no doubts that she now lives a wonderful life and became versatile.
Plus,if universities provide the equal financial support to the after school activities as classes and libraries,the activities will achieve a higher latitude.And the board of university will glad to see that students who graduated from their school are more competitive than others.At the same time the school can get a good reputation which attracts the rich to donate more to the school.As a result,the donation will stimulate the sports and social activities' development via financial support.It became a virtuous circle.
In conclusion,attending more activities which is from the perspective of students and giving financial support to them which is from the perspective of school is a prior way to choose for both the student ,university and the society.
题目是TPO1的独立写作 Do you agree or disagree with the following statement?
At universities and colleges,sports and social activities are just as important as classes and libraries and should receive equal financial support.

答案

With people's changing their opinion on what a talented person is, (delete it, it’s irrelevant and unnatural) students are required by schools to have the ability on organizing an activity and playing a proper role in teamwork. (Talented students are required to acquire organizing ability and teamwork.) As a result the idea that(of) sports and social activities are just as important as classes and libraries and should receive equal financial support(delete) came(comes) up to us(delete). From where I stand I support it. (Sports and social activities are claimed to receive equal financial support as classes and libraries do, and I support this claim.)
As far as we all know, a nerd or a bookworm can not live a colorful life as a man with various capabilities do (abilities does), and taking part in sports and social activities can be the right choice for them to gain the abilities (other than studies).Take my older sister as an example. She (For instance, my elder sister) is a girl who always does a good job in (obtain good) grades, (but) lacking of (lacks) social activities' experience. Last year she got the admission to one of the top universities in (the) Mainland China. No wondering (wonder) that students around her are all talents in studying. (this sentence contradicts your previous meaning) Based on the fact that university is a place for student to gain knowledge as well as show themselves (show off?), my elder sister can't (no short form, cannot) adjust herself into the colorful life when she was a freshman. Experiencing the first year's lonely (loneliness) and frustration, she started devoting herself into sports and social activities. It is no doubts that she now lives a wonderful life and became (becomes) versatile.
Plus (In addition),if universities provide the equal financial support to the after school activities (extra-curricular activities) as classes and libraries, the activities will achieve a higher latitude (activities can gain higher outcome). And the board of university will (be) glad to see that students who graduated from their school are more competitive than others. At the same time the school can get a good reputation which attracts the rich to donate more to the school. As a result, the donation will stimulate the sports and social activities' development via financial support. It became (becomes) a virtuous circle.
In conclusion, attending more activities which is from the perspective of students (students’ perspective) and giving financial support to them which is from the perspective of school (universities’ perspective, it) is a prior way to choose for both the student ,university and the society.