雅思作文,求修改建议并评分~

题目

雅思作文,求修改建议并评分~
Subject ：As technology develops,more shopping and business is done through the internet while communication face to face becomes less frequent.Is this a positive or a negative development?
Today,human civilisation has leapt into a hi-tech age,which means increasing individuals gradually tend to interest in online shopping,as well as online business.As a consequence,there are less opportunities for “face to face” communication among the individuals.
There is no doult that a new business model,the e-business,has penetrated into the various aspects of people’s life,which benefits us a lot,not only in terms of business but also in terms of customers.More precisely,doing business online definitely could afford a tremendous market,which would stimulate the sales of products to a large extent.Also,with the powerful Internet,the time is shrunk and the efficiency is boosted,offering a prominent advantage to the business at the moment,when the time and the efficiency i

答案

1.首先,在雅思作文中是不提倡在文章末尾才提出自己的观点的.这样做确实很有特色,我以前也经常这么干.但是你要想,考官面对那么多份卷子,怎么可能一篇篇仔细看.他只能扫一眼,看每段的中心意思,有没有离题,词汇怎么样....