求雅思作文批改,以及大概的分数和不足之处

题目

求雅思作文批改,以及大概的分数和不足之处
Many people believe that the main
aim for university education is to help graduates to find better jobs,while
some people believe that university education should aim at cultivating
students’ overall abilities.What is your opinion?
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With the development of people ‘s living
standard .There are growing numbers of people pay attention to the issue of university’s
education .Some people believe that university education should aim
at cultivating student’s overall abilities .and other people keep a totally
opposite attitude in it .Personally ,I support the latter’s view and the reason
will be list as follows .
First of all ,there is an old saying that :’It
is not only giving people a fish ,but also teaching people how to fish .’A
successful school not only providing a post to student ,but also teaching them
how to study by themselves in the future .It is the reason why the university
such as Cambridge and peking university is famous in all over the world .
Furthermore ,it can provide more high
quality workforce to the local workforce market ,and then stimulate the
development of the whole country ,enhance the people’s living standard .For example
,there is an dramatic development in China ,since China rebuilt the education system
.It is no denying that education is very important to an country .
On the other hand .Some people believe university
education is help graduates to find a better job .But I believe these students
who are lack the abilities and knowledge will hard to cope with the work if
they didn’t focus on study in university .
In conclusion ,government and companies
should support the university’s education system ,encourage students acquire
more abilities in school .it is a win-win working in long term .

答案

感觉5至5.5左右,模版痕迹较重（尤其首段）,有一些语法错误,句式不够灵活,被动句只有一个（还是模板句）,倒装句也没有.词汇还可以,够用,但是貌似也没什么加分词,同义替换什么的.

第一段：
第一个句子就不成句,还是说那个是逗号?如果是逗号也不该是With开头,要换成Because of/Due to/Owing to
pay---paying
第四行的and -- while
latter’s--latter
list--listed
而且内容上有个非常大的问题：你support的观点是latter one,也就是“学校不应该aim at cultivating student’s overall abilities ” ,这个完全不等于题目说的help graduates to find better jobs.甚至有跑题倾向了,非常影响分数
（我猜想你是不是想说你支持题目的latter view?你这个former,latter得根据你自己前面写的内容,而不是题目……于是latter改成former）

(第二段不知道怎么下手,先不改了)

第三段：
is help --is helping,用should help会更好
who are lack ---who lack （lack没有形容词属性,前面不用be动词,它是动词或名词）
will--would (因为你后面的if后面用了didn't)

最多一段：
观点不太明确,请点题.明显指出你支持哪一方,反对哪一方
--> and encourage students acquire various abilities in school rather than just focus on how to seek better careers

win-win working in long term --win-win method in the long term

评分标准是：内容、语法、词汇、句子灵活度4方面,注意从这四方面提高和练习吧,尤其是内容和逻辑方面