雅思作文帮忙修改打分

题目

雅思作文帮忙修改打分
As the time passes by,internationality affects not only business or other area we familiar,but also music,an old art which have more and more influenced by high technology.Many arguments are taken about which one have more importance,our own country's traditional music or the global-heard-music?I think both of them are valuable,and neither should be regarded higher.
On the one hand,morden music is very crucial to morden people in morden society.Anyone lived in this world needs neo-music,so as our society.Gangnan-style,the famous music created by korean star was played everywhere on the Earth.Many other international music transfer widely,too.In this situation,how can one says the International music is not important?
On the other hand,traditional music could still play a big role in everyday life.First of all,the old art do not meet science when they are born,but it not means technology can not help them.Secondary,old music is enjoyable as they ever was,audience of tradition music includes both old and young people.For the last,tranditional music stands for the past of the country,means the history of us,holds the memory of our ancients.In the conclusion,tranditional music is very important to us,although we step in a morden world.
So all in all,I believe tranditional and international music could involve in our social life fitful,both the two kind of the music are crucial to us and we should trait them fairly.

答案

The essay was well written.If you completed it within the time given,It would be well done.You could achieve a mark 6+ with it.However,  there are still rooms to improve.I hope you keep working hard.Mark 7 is achievable for you.Good luck!








As the time passes by,internationality affects not only business or other area we familiar,but also music,an old art which have more and more influenced by high technology.




As the time passes by,internationality affects not only business and
other sectors we are familiar with,but also the music,an old art which has been influenced more and
more by morden high technology.





Many arguments are taken about which one have more importance,our own country's traditional music or the global-heard-music?

Quite many arguments have been raised about which one is more important,our own country's traditional music or the music from other countries that is globally popular music?

I think both of them are valuable,and neither should be regarded higher.
In my opinion,both of them are valuable,and I don't think either should be regarded as superior to another.


On the one hand,morden music is very crucial to morden people in morden society.


On one hand,morden music is crucial to people of the morden society.


Anyone lived in this world needs neo-music,so as our society.
Most people live in this world need such neo-music,so does our society.


Gangnan-style,the famous music created by korean star was played everywhere on the Earth.


Gangnan-style,the famous song and music created by a korean star has been played everywhere on the Earth.




Many other international music transfer widely,too.In this situation,how can one says the International music is not important?

Many other musical work done by people from different countries have also spread wide internationally.Can one simply say the International music is not that important up to the situation?



On the other hand,traditional music could still play a big role in everyday life.


On the other hand,the traditional music can still play a big role in our daily life.




First of all,the old art do not meet science when they are born,but it not means technology can not help them.

First of all,the old art didn't enjoy much of the morden technology as it appeared earlier.However it doesn't mean it can be  immune from the impact of the mordern technology.



Secondary,old music is enjoyable as they ever was,audience of tradition music includes both old and young people.

Secondary,old music is still enjoyable as they have ever  been,the public favorers of the traditional music have expanded from the old to the young.



For the last,tranditional music stands for the past of the country,means the history of us,holds the memory of our ancients.


Finally,the tranditional music stands for the past of a country,presents the history to us and brings us  the memory of our ancients. 



In the conclusion,tranditional music is very important to us,although we step in a morden world.

In conclusion,tranditional music is still very important to us,although we have stepped
into a morden world.



So all in all,I believe tranditional and international music could involve in our social life fitful,both the two kind of the music are crucial to us and we should trait them fairly.



All in all,it is clear that neither tranditional nor international music can replace the other due to the different roles they play in our life.