【雅思作文高手进】帮我看看这篇作文,估下能得几分

题目

【雅思作文高手进】帮我看看这篇作文,估下能得几分
我是第一次考雅思,这是我摸索着写出来的作文,没什么经验,也肯定会有很多出错的地方,就不要客气指出来,顺便帮我估下能得几分,
Today,environmental pollution has been increasingly seriously.
Discuss the reasons why environment is polluted and give some solutions to it.
In the past,there are nearly no pollution in the world,however,with the development of economy,the environment is confronted a grave issue.
First of all,the most significant reason that results in the environmental pollution is industry,Many factories discharge the effluent and poisonous air into the river and sky.It causes the death of a lot of aquatic organism and the pollution of the atmosphere.And in the city,the vehicles become more and more,at the same time,the exhaust that the vehicles discharged are becoming more and more as well,it aggravate the air pollution and make the air turbid.In the farm,farmers use chemical pesticide and fertilizer so that they can get a high yield in harvest seasons.It make the fertile soil change infertile

答案

既然你说不用客气指出你的文章错处,那麼很对不起,我认为的确有很多错处,现在替你更正一下罢.
Today,environmental pollution has been increasingly (seriously 改为 serious).
Discuss the reasons why environment is polluted and (give 改为 suggest) some solutions (to 改为 for) it.
In the past,there are nearly no pollution in the world,however,with the development of economy,the environment is (加 now) confronted (a 改为 by this) grave issue.
First of all,the most significant reason that results in the environmental pollution is industry,Many factories (discharge 改为 are discharging) the effluent and poisonous air (加 and waste) into the river and sky.It causes the death of a lot of aquatic organism and the pollution of the atmosphere.And (in the city,the vehicles become more and more 这句要重新整理为:there are more and more vehicles in the city),at the same time,the exhaust that the vehicles (discharged 改为 discharging) are becoming more and more as well,it aggravate(加 s) the air pollution and make(加 s) the air turbid.In the farm(加 s),farmers use chemical pesticide and fertilizer so that they can get a high yield (in harvest seasons 改为 for their crops).(It 改为 they) make the (fertile soil change infertile 改为 soil more fertile).
In my opinion,countries on this planet must join forces to combat environmental problems.The governments should (prevent the quantity of 改为 outlaw 或 punish those) factories which (does 改为 do) not have (percolation 是 precaution) measures,and elevate the public awareness of (environment 是 environmental) production.The farmer(s) should reduce the usage of chemical product(s),( do not mak改为 it would not make) the soil (去掉more) infertile .
All in all,the environment cannot be more adverse.On the contrary,if people do not take care of this matter,(in the end 要放在後面),(去掉the) human beings will perish (in the end 或用 eventually).
但本人却没有评分的能力,只知原文分数或许不会太高,请原谅我过於坦率.
更改後的版本虽然仍非完美,但应可合格,隐拿6分以上.
很高兴能够帮到你,祝你考试成功!