求好心的老师可以细批一下我的雅思作文 100分送上

题目

求好心的老师可以细批一下我的雅思作文 100分送上
作文是剑桥五 text2 的双拼柱状图
The first chart illustrates what is the main reason for study among different age students.The second chart indicates how much support received from employers in different age group.As can be seen,the percentage of those who study for career saw a fall with the age grown.But ,while the percentage of whose who study for interest is increasing and the proportion of employers support hits a bottom in the age group 30-39.
Under 26,the proportion of those who study for career stand at 80%,that for interest only at 10%.However ,with the age grown,that for career decreases to just over 20% in group of over 49 ,that for interest rises to 70%.
The proportion of employer support reaches at over 60% in the group of under 26,and experiences a downward trend ,bottom at over 30% in group of 30-39,before rising ,which grows to over 40% in group of over 49.

答案

The first chart illustrates what is the main reason for study among different age students. The second chart indicates how much support (is) received from employers in different age group. As can be seen, the percentage of those who study for career saw (sees) a fall with the age grown (grows). But ,while the percentage of (whose 改为 those) who study for interest is increasing and the proportion of employers support(s) hits a bottom in the age group (of) 30-39.
(For those) Under 26, (the) proportion of those who study for career(s) (stand 改为 is standing) at 80% that (study) for interest (is) only at 10%. However , with the age grown (grows) that (study) for career decreases to just over 20% in (the) group of over 49 that (study) for interest rises to 70%.
The proportion of employer support reaches at over 60% in the group of under 26, and experiences a downward trend ,bottom(s) at (just) over 30% in (the) group of 30-39, before rising (again), which grows to over 40% in (the) group of over 49.
其实你写得非常之好,文体结构和语法运用正确,无须更改,只是有一些错漏,为了方便你可以知道错在那里,我用括号把修改了的括著.
另外你问楼上为甚麼with the age grows 而不是with the age growing,这个你只要看你自己写的最後一句 which grows to over 40% in the group of over 49. 便应该知道是同一原因.
还有一样要提醒你的是: that 和 which 的准确标点符号法.that 之前是不用逗号的,但which之前则一定要用逗号,这是一个重要的英语文法.请切记!