有没有高手给修改一下雅思作文...评个分数

题目

有没有高手给修改一下雅思作文...评个分数
【题目】When a country develops its technology,the traditional skills and ways of life die out.It is pointless to try and keep them alive.
To what extent do you agree or disagree with this opinion?
[正文]
In the present age,technology is playing a significant role in our lives.But in the meantime,whether it worthless to try and reserve the traditional skills has sparked much debate.Some people assert that the cutting-edge technology can totally replace the traditional skills while many others argue that keeping the original skills is unwarranted.Personally,I am in favor of the latter view.
Convincing arguments can be made that the traditional skills are indispensable parts of the human developing history.To start with,the traditional skills can generate employment opportunities which contributes greatly to the safety and stability of society.That is to say,traditional skills rather than labour-replacing machineries make it a sensible way to decrease unemployment rate and crime rate.Moreover,it is practically impossible for a developing country to invest much money to develop an expensive technology.Lastly,technology cannot beat traditional skills in some fields.By that I mean ,taking the medical circle as an example,Chinese traditional treatment is world-renowned,which was passed down from generation to generation for thousand years.What is more,it still has been consolidating its status as an effective treatment.
Admittedly,human society has made step-by-step progress with the Little Brather's help.The reason for this is that the prolification of the technology augments efficiency and boosts productivity.Obviously,in the information age,only by getting rid of the obsolete equipment and method can every human being benefit more from society.Even so,replacing traditional skills by a costly technology can also bring about deep pressure and create alienation between people.For instance,high workload may discount individuals' ability and make them bear overweight psychological burden even commit a crime.
In summary,I would concede that technology promotes higher efficiency and productivity than traditional skills.Despite that,traditional skills paly a vital role in present-day society.Overall,I am convinced that the government should strike a balance between technology and traditional skills.

答案

"human society has made step-by-step progress with the Little Brather's ) help" 这句话没看懂.
总的来说还不错.有拿 A 的实力.