能不能帮我改一篇英语演讲稿,

题目

能不能帮我改一篇英语演讲稿,
1.Good afternoon .First I am very happy to here to give you a speech.
And today,my topic is :”Green school ,wonderful future”
2.So far.we’ve studied in Yanggao for almost 3 months.During the past 3 months,I found the surroundings in our school are very beautiful..and That is what I wanna focus on my my speech.
As we all know ,Yangpu Senior high school has a very large area of greenery.Eveyday,when I come into school,the soft wind,the beautiful flowers,the tall trees really gives a perfect mood.I feel so comfortable in such a harmony atmosphere.And in my estimate,most of you has the same feeling as me.We do love our beautiful school,and just like our 校长say:”it is the best school in Shanghai,and even China.”
But at the same time ,we also have found a few students always do damage to our environment.I don’t wanna to say something like what they should do .I believe they all know that.They just don’t have the awareness of protecting the environment of the

答案

ER……base on 我以前大学做演讲的经验,提几个建议：
1.写稿的时候可能经常会写长句,但是真正讲的时候,无论是演讲人还是听众,还是短句比较合适.
2.虽然可能不是很正式场合的演讲,但是还是要尽量避免wanna,gonna 这类口语化的词语.
3.这点是我老师告诉我的,尽量少用I think,in my opinion这类词组,你发表的演讲……肯定是表达自己的想法.
4.多用we少用you.这样拉近和听众之间的距离.
5.不知道我有没有猜对,你写的时候想到什么就写什么,没有经过过滤……每一段究竟是在表达什么point,这点一定要考虑好.不然写上去的字数都是白费功夫(如,你爸爸去马尔代夫,跟你看到新闻以及环境保护有什么直接关系呢?)尤其到最后,感觉你思维很跳跃……
注意：你在第二段写到自己focus的东西,究竟是什么呢?是前面写到的I found the surroundings in our school are very beautiful吗?第一段又写到主题是Green school,wonderful future.你后面却放大到全世界.这个topic是值得再重新斟酌的.
1.Good afternoon .First I am very happy to here to present this speech.Today,my topic is:” Green school,wonderful future”
2.So far,we’ve studied in Yanggao for almost 3 months.During the past 3 months,I found the surroundings in our school are very beautiful with large green area.Everyday,when I enter the school,the soft wind,the beautiful flowers and the tall trees really give me a perfect mood.I feel so comfortable in such a harmony atmosphere.And I believe most of you share the same feeling as I do.We do love our beautiful school,and just as our President says:” it is the best school in Shanghai,and even China.”
However,we have found that a few students always make damage to our school environment.Here I don’t want to say something like what they should do,as I believe they all know what they should do.They just don’t have the awareness of protecting the environment.They even don’t understand why they should protect the environment.
（以上是讲学校的情况,下面放大到世界情况,需要过渡句.）
3.Unfortunately,many more people lack the conscious of environment protection.Nowadays,with the quick development of the world,environment protection also has become one of the hottest topics in the world.
Yesterday I found a piece of news reported that half of The Republic of Maldives might be submerged within 50 years.It really shocked me.I know because of the melt of the glacier in South Pole and North Pole,the sea level is rising and some of the cities will be submerged.But I never thought the day is just ahead of us.It is so terrible.We now all live in Shanghai.It is a city with a very low sea level.Can we imagine the day when Shanghai is submerged?Can we imagine the day we lost our hometown,our familiar school?Can we imagine the day there is no city named Shanghai in the future?It sounds ridiculous,but if we don’t take action,all these things may come true.
4.So,as a student,what should we do to save our home?The answer is:take action in the daily life!We can start from protecting our school environment.We Chinese are proud of our large population because as the saying goes:The more people,the more power.Through our co-effort,the environment of our school will be better and better,and our final goal ----to save our world,will realize.
That is all.Thank you for your time.
如果我有说得不得当的地方,请多多包涵,希望你的演讲成功!