高三英语作文求批改,指导

题目

高三英语作文求批改,指导
第一次月考写了这篇作文求有经验的老师们网友们给给意见帮忙批改下.主题是高中生放弃高考去外国留学正反方+自己意见的.作文要求是：1.写信目的2.介绍正反方意见3.自己的观点.其他都没给,希望大家帮我改改指明今后该怎么写好.我是浙江省的.
I am writing to imform you of the result of the discussion of whether students should give up high school extrance examination to study abroad.
60% students are opposite to it,the reason of which is that it is not approriate to go abroad at such a young age.Plus,going abroad means a brand new life,which will surely add to their difficulties.Nevertheless,as far as the rest are concerned,with the knowledge playing an increasingly important role,students should grassip the valuable opportunities to enrich their knowledge.
Personally I agree with the majority.Students going abroad benefit a lot.Besides comprehensive knowledge ,their overall ablilities get improved.It is overall ablilities that count in the present society.
郁闷笔误了应该是百分之40反对谢谢大家了以后尽量简洁

答案

写的挺好的,我高中时候写不出你这么好的作文.说几点不足的地方吧.
1 the result of the discussion of whether students should give up high school extrance examination to study abroad. 可以改成 the discussion result of whether students should give up college entrance examination to study abroad. 这样句子会简练一些.
2 60% students are opposite to it, the reason of which is that it is not approriate to go abroad at such a young age. Plus, going abroad means a brand new life, which will surely add to their difficulties可以改成 60% of students could not agree with it because high school students are too young to adapt oversea lives which are full of challenges and difficults.在这里,because 表因为要比 as a result of 好一些,还有,连接2个句子一般不用plus这个词.
3 as far as the rest are concerned 可以改成 rest of us believed 简单明了些吗,哈哈.
4 with the knowledge playing an increasingly important role 可以改成due to the increasing role of knowledge. 这里有一个因果关系的,所以用due to 会好点.with 表伴随关系.
5 我不明白你最后几句话啊,你既然都同意多数人的观点了,为什么后面还说出国读书的好处啊?
加油!