老师说我这封推荐信,有点语法问题,因为是我自己写的,然后我现在不知道哪错了,所以请给位大侠帮帮忙

题目

老师说我这封推荐信,有点语法问题,因为是我自己写的,然后我现在不知道哪错了,所以请给位大侠帮帮忙
以下就是推荐信,如果能帮我写的更好,那再好不过了,
Recommendation Letter
To whom it may concern,
Here is to recommend to you Mr.Chen Jianzhi,my former student,for admission to your school as well as some financial aid.
Mr.Chen was once one of my students in my class during 2007-2010 when he was in the No.8 High School of Hengyang City,Hunan Province,China.
Most Chinese students think English course is so dull,while Mr.Chen is so interested in English that he enjoys English music,movie,and he wants to know western country culture,he often ask me about English issue,He impressed me also by his self-study capability.He exhibited a keenly whetted mind during class discussions.But I noticed he made a point of working especially hard in improving his English during his three years with us.By now,he wants to going abroad to further His education.
In my experience with Mr.Chen,I was impressed with not only his extraordinary intelligence but

答案

To whom it may concerned,
Here I recommend to you Mr. Chen Jianzhi, one of my former students, for the admission to your school and some financial aid. （这句话逻辑不对,一般申请高校,助学金不是老师来提出的）
Mr. Chen was （was已经是过去没必要用once啊,而且这句话和第一段重复可以删掉的,外国人不喜欢这么繁琐的申请信,是我学生自然在我的课堂上啊 ,太重复了）（one of my students省去） in my class during 2007-2010 when he was in the No. 8 High School of Hengyang City, Hunan Province, （China省去）.
Most Chinese students thought English （course省略） is dull, while Mr. Chen was so interested in English that he enjoyed English music and movies. He wanted to know more about western cultures as well for he often asked me about related questions（issue词太大,不应用在高中生身上）.He also impressed me by his self-learning ability. He exhibited a keenly whetted mind during class discussions. And I noticed he had made a great process for his hard work on in improving his English during the three years of high school. Now, he wants to go abroad to further His study.
In my memory, I was impressed not only by his extraordinary intelligence but also by his ambitions and persistence. （He also showed great interest in my English course, 全删 类似意思以表达过）（and often delighted himself by）换成He was totally into various English magazines and newspapers when he was free. As a result, his English improved rapidly, and paved his way for his later study in both his major and other fields. With high language competence, I believe that he can handle his future studies abroad easily.
And also I heard that he was once a quite good football player. The team which he was in, obtained the third city game because of their efforts and team spirit,.
What above are my opinions on Mr. Chen Jianzhi and I strongly recommend him to you.
Yours Sincerely
Langfen Zhang
English Teacher
No. 8 High School, Hengyang City, Hunan Province, China
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