帮忙再再看一篇雅思作文

题目

帮忙再再看一篇雅思作文
Topic:Some people think that examinations have some bad effects on both students and teachers.Some people say they have good effects on education.What is your opiniom?
As a hot topic of educational problem,examination has benn discussed for so many years.We can hear news about two sides of the examination feom radio and read the similar news on the newspaper.With time pass,this topic is becoming more and more prevalent.The conclusion will not show the ultimate result in a relatively short time.
Some people think that examinations have negative influences on both students and teachers.They suggest the government to abolish the examination system which used as the only criterion to appraise a student and replace it with another effective measurement.Examinations are nothing but distorting the mean of education.Under the only idex of assessment,students have to learn for test skills instead of knowledge and teather also focus on scores of their students rather than

答案

额,感觉楼主基本功不扎实.
首先雅思作文的最基本结构还是有的,但是逻辑衔接不是很流畅,特别是句子之间一些连接词的使用；
其次看得出来楼主想用一些academic的词,但是并没有掌握一些词的精确意思和用法,而且有一些表达是比较chinglish的.
最后就是语法问题不少.
建议就是楼主应该多看一些native speaker写的文章,特别是academic的文章,然后多练习.
个人意见,仅供参考.
考过3次雅思的菜鸟上.