高分求改托福作文!帮我看看大概几分

题目

高分求改托福作文!帮我看看大概几分
do you agree or disagree with the following statment:the goveenment should require all young adults to perform
some kind of national service,such as military service or social work.
personally speaking,i can't agree with the statement no more.such is a fundamental requirement that people should have a king of passion to his or her nation and attention on mother country's honor.so everyone should perform some kind of national service to show his or her fidelity toward their country.
If a one day a civilian in a country do not love his homeland any more,he could no more be called as "human being" which is only use on those know how to thanks ,thanks the land which he growed up.the long history of our nation tells us :the one betrays his country can never be forgave and will always be remembered as a identity of a "betrayer".This makes us think about what can we do to show our loyalty to our nation.I think the best way to do that is to take part in the social service such as military service social work.
on the other hand,doing national service gains lot of benefits but almost no disadvantages.taking a military service for instance,can promote the national security system since the large system is built on countless individual sodier of which should became one.then you can say proudly:i have contributes to the nation and my life become more completed.
performing the national service also can gather the sprit of thousands patriots.what can't be solved when thousands of people gat together?the answer is "nothing"!this makes our country stronger and makes the dream of "being a part of a super big country " come to reality.just imagine,if thousands of people are willing to take part in the environmental protection,how clean and beautiful will our country be?
taking national service got so many privilege,then why don't we just start from now and devote ourselves in to the national service.

答案

不好意思,请恕我直言,如果严格来评的话这篇文章能上20分也就差不多了
总的来说,这篇文章结构还是比较完整的.
可是感觉论据不够有说服力,理由比较空泛,不够具体
句子逻辑方面也有问题
另外楼主的语法错误实在有点太多...
有些错误直接影响了语义影响读者理解,这是很致命的,ETS对这些要求比较高
希望楼主在考场上打字不要太贪快,请尽量减少一些比较初级的语法错误.
【personally speaking,i can't agree with the statement no more.】
楼主是想表示同意吧?应该是I can't agree more.本来用这个句型是很好的,可是多了个no之后语义完全相反了.
【such is a fundamental requirement that people should have a king of passion to his or her nation and attention on mother country's honor.】
king(?) of passion
前面说的people should ...,后面怎么就变成his or her了呢?
前后请保持一致
such is .that最好改成It is ...that
【so everyone should perform some kind of national service to show his or her fidelity toward their country.】
与前一句类似的错误,everyone should...后面应该跟toward his or her country.
some kind of改成some kinds of
【If a one day a civilian in a country do not love his homeland any more,he could no more be called as "human being" which is only use on those know how to thanks ,thanks the land which he growed up.】
还是那个问题：a civilian应该搭配does not
"he could no more...growed up."整句话都有问题.
就语意来讲这句话太偏激不够客观,请楼主重新考虑一下
如果不管语意,单改语法,可改成 he could not be called as a human being,which should only be used to describe a person who know how to thank the land in which he has grown up.
另外提醒一下,grow的过去式是grew
can never be forgave应该是can never be forgiven
【taking a military service for instance,can promote the national security system since the large system is built on countless individual sodier of which should became one】
本来这个例子再develop一下可以成为很好的例子,可惜描述的不具体,语义也不够清楚
不知道楼主这句of which should became
countless individual sodier---countless individual soldiers
【i have contributes to the nation and my life become more completed】
应改成I have contributed to the nation and my life has become more complete.
另外,这句话与论点"doing national service gains lot of benefits but almost no disadvantages."没有关系,不能直接支持论点.楼主应该补充另外的论据
gat together---get together
【this makes our country stronger and makes the dream of "being a part of a super big country " come to reality.】
指代不清."this"指代的是什么?请完整的写出来
另外请问楼主,"being a part of a super big country"是谁的dream?our country还是the people?
还有,如果楼主想要表达“超级大国”的意义的话最好用super powerful country,"big country"通常只用来形容面积大的国家
【taking national service got so many privilege,then why don't we just start from now and devote ourselves in to the national service.】
这个结尾并不是很好.第一,作者没有对之前所论述的论点进行简短总结；二,taking...privilege是一个完整的句子,why don't...service?也是一个完整的问句,两者之间应该用连词连接,如since taking.,why...三,got---has,privilege---privileges,in to---into
楼主下次写作的时候可能还要再严谨一点...
希望我给你的提醒能对你有些帮助
请继续加油吧