帮忙修改雅思作文

题目

帮忙修改雅思作文
怎么样能达到6－6．5分?这篇作文能达多少分?
The goverment should control the amount if violence in the media.To what extent do you agree?
Thanks for the development of modern technolohy.As a kind of modern technology ,media bring a great deal of conveniece and bennefit to people's daily life.It enriches our leisure time,and makes people well-informed.However,people not only gain positive information,but also get negaive information form media everyday.Nowaday,increasingly number of scenes can be seen from the media.I think itis the time to be in alarm,as the violence scenes are more harmful but no benefit.The reasons are presented below.
First of all,violence scenes are misleading and harmful to people.Especially,it is harmful to the growth of children's mental greatly.Children may think that is correct and heroic,and they may tread others like that way.As for adults,some peoplw imitage the way of crimes,whitch thy seen from media,it leads to the increasing of criminal rate.Secondly,it runs counter to the humancivilization.From acient ages to present society,the human have taken away from savagery,stepped into civilized society,keeping far from violence is a important mark of that,however,it is pretty to be seen that increasingly number of wiolence scenes are showing on media nowaday,we have to say that it is backward if human civilization.Thirdly,it also wast time and money.People should spend their time and money on other things but not wast money on watching those violence races,such as boxing.
It can not be denied that some violence scenes in films are very exciting,and people expect to see the adventural scenes,whitch they can not experience in real life.But abviously,the violence in the media is more disavantages than advantages.Therefore,i suppose that the goverment should take measures to control the amount of violence in the media.

答案

恕我直言,你如果要参加雅思考,建议再准备一下吧.你这样写字数是挺多,但是是在非考试条件下写的,如果你在考场里估计不容乐观.我考过几十次雅思,以我的经验,你这样不可能得6分,至多是5.5.我按你的思路改写了一下,仅供...