雅思大作文批改!高分!求分数~~

题目

雅思大作文批改!高分!求分数~~
题目In many countries children engaged in some kind of paid work. Some people regard this as completely wrong, while others consider it as valuable work experience , important for learning & taking responsibility.
作文如下：

In the present age ,it is generally arguable that whether should children be busy with some money-making jobs.Some people believe that this action is totally wrong while many others argue that paid work can afford work experience which is significant for study and taking obligations.As far as I am concerned, i am in favor of the former view.
There is no deny that the knowledge taught from schooling lay the foundation for the employment of the young students .Hence, children should concentrate on study firstly and mainly. Moreover, being engaged in some kind of part-time job may occupy their time for study. For instance, youngster may fall behind the others as a consequence of spending major time on paid work.Last but not the least,

答案

我雅思7.5分,希望能给你一些帮助.我只改了错误和很不妥的地方,没有改进单词、词组的选择、句子、文章结构、逻辑顺序等等,那个工作不能随便做,而且要根据你个人习惯来写.
1.it is arguable WHETHER CHILDREN SHOULD be busy
1>删掉that 2> 调整顺序
2.paid work can PROVIDE work experience which is significant for CHILDREN TO study SOCIAL KNOWLEDGE and START taking obligations
3.lay the foundation for the employment of the young students IN THE FUTURE
4.好几处 youngsterS加复数
5.AS A CONSEQUENCE,youngsters may fall behind the others if spending major time on paid work.
章结构没什么好说的,老套路,也很好用,算有说服力的模板.词组选择的宽度还是不够广.关键问题是第二段论证不够充分,还可以再多写,多二三十个词,论证也更充分,字数也更足.而且第一和第二条理由层次不清晰.有一些错误和语序问题.综上,我觉得可以在5分到6分,还有上升的空间.