雅思作文修改

题目

雅思作文修改
我作文一向不好..
In some countries young people are encouraged to work or travel for a year between finishing high school and starting university studies.
Discuss the advantages and disadvantages for young people who decide to do this.
Some youngsters are encouraged to work or travel for a year between they finishing high school and beginning university studies in some countries nowadays.There is still a bone of contention about that whether the benefits are outweighing the drawbacks of this action.But for my point of view,it’s fairly hard to be testified if the advantage is more than disadvantage.
Unquestionably,young people go to work or have a travel before they enter the university is a good special education in the modern life.As we know,with the development of people’s living standard level,the increasing number of youth are spoiled which do not have ability to distinguish right or wrong in society.In some extent,university is a society in miniature which is unfamiliar to young people.Under such circumstance,parents encourage youngsters to work or travel after finishing of their high school studies could help them not only to gain social experience as much as possible but also prepare them for the future reality.Moreover,students’ vision could be expanded by having a travel or going to work after graduation of high school.In addition,this approach could contribute to young people’s physical,mental and emotional development.
On the other hand,people believed that the weaknesses of this action are overtaking benefits.Scientific research demonstrated that teenagers are in the best age of education,so they should not waste the precious and limited time by working or travelling.They should go to the university directly after they are graduated from high school.
Given those argument,it’s reasonable to conclude that encouragement of young people to work and travel between fulfilling high school studies and beginning further education is a double-site swore.It’s cannot identify whether it’s right or not.

答案

Some youngsters are encouraged to work or travel for a year between their (their,不能用they, 用their,或直接不用) finishing high school and beginning university studies in some countries nowadays.
There is still a bone of contention about （去掉that,因为后面跟着的不是一个完整的句子) whether the benefits of this activity outweigh（这里不用现在时,用一般现在时就可以) the drawbacks . In my opinion(或者说：As far as I'm concerned), there is no way to testify whether this resolution(决议）is beneficial to the young people. 优点多于缺点,这样的说法很少见,太中国式的表达了,我改一下,句式也改了,更地道.
Undoubtedly, (young people go to work or have a travel before they enter the university is a good special education in the modern life既然is是谓语,主语里面还夹杂了动词go, have,所以要改). It's a special experience for young people to work or travel before they enter the university. As we know, with the development of people’s living standard(level去掉,生活水平,就是living standard), (注意,我把the 改成了an) an increasing number of youth are spoiled to the extent that(以致.原来的句式很有问题) these young peopole have no ability to distinguish right or wrong in society. In a way(在某种程度上,未见过in some extent）, university is a society in miniature. It is quite unfamiliar to young people. Under such circumstance, parents should encourage youngsters to work or travel after finishing their high school studies, which could help (help sb. do sth)them not only gain social experience as much as possible but also prepare themselves(不是them,要用自反代词,因为是他们自己准备）for the future. Moreover, students’ vision can be expanded by having a travel or going to work after graduation of high school. In addition, this approach contributes to young people’s physical, mental and emotional development.
However,(表示折转,因为下面讲的是反方意见）some people believe that the weaknesses of this action overtakes its benefits（为啥用现在时?are overtaking benefits）. Scientific research demonstrates that the teenager period is the best time for study. Hence, they should not waste the precious and limited time in(waste time in doing sth.固定搭配） working or travelling. They should go to the university directly after they graduate（不用被动句） from high school.
Given those arguments(单复数注意）, it’s reasonable to conclude that encouragement of young people（年轻人的鼓励?你想表达的是对年轻人的鼓励吧,所以要改成： it’s reasonable to conclude that encouraging young people to work or travel between fulfilling high school studies and beginning further education is a 双刃剑是double-edged sword . (It’s cannot identify whether it’s right or not.这是个错句,is 和cannot不能连用)It's hard to foresee it is right or not.
但我觉得作文你一般要给个肯定意见,不能模棱两口.作者你再考虑考虑