托福作文.打打分吧.点评一下吧~

题目

托福作文.打打分吧.点评一下吧~
10. "When people succeed, it is because of hard work. Luck has nothing to do with success." Do you agree or disagree with the quotation above? Use specific reasons and examples to explain your position.
The debate over whether hard work is the only reason for success has been raging for quite a few years in my country. Many hold the idea that luck also is an important reason for success claim that luck sometimes can help us to avoid troubles. Although this point of view embraces some valid point, I insist that it is because of the hard work that makes people become successful from the aspect of the improvement of the skills and the enrichment of the confidence.

The primary reason is that hard work is able to increase the ability of our own which is important for us to success. For instance, because of the hard work, Li Na, the famous Chinese tennis player, became the champions of a lot of games. Because of the hard work, she can largely increase the ability of playing tennis so that it is easier for her to beat others. Otherwise, if she just relied on the luck, she would not have enough ability to succeed for so many times.

It constitutes another reason for my point of view that hard work can help us to become more confident. Like for me, after playing ping-pong for about 6 years, it is easier for me to win the games in the school. It is 6year's hard work that makes me become so confident which can always help me to success. Hard- working can give us the energy to believe in ourselves, while luck can not.

Admittedly, luck can sometimes help us to get out of trouble. However, we can not get the luck every time. The success which gets because of the luck is not the real success. After working for months and trying for years, such success does belong to our own.

To sum up, from the evidence mentioned above results the natural summary that despite the chances of sometimes work, luck has nothing to do with the real success. Therefore, it is the hard work that is the key of the success.
Word Count: 337

答案

The debate over whether hard work is the only reason for success has been raging for quite a few years in my country.Many hold the idea that luck also is an important reason （老是用reason,老师会打瞌睡的,何妨试一试agent,element?词汇多变是取胜之有效手段）for success claim that luck sometimes can help us to avoid troubles.Although this point of view embraces some valid point（表达同一个意思用同一个词汇,显得很干瘪,嚼之无味啊,倒不如这样写,this viewpoint embraces some seemingly （加强这种观点站不住脚的嫌疑）valid element,或者segment）,I insist that it is the hard work（这是一个强调句,如果用了because of hard work ,真正的主语hard work就被架空了,也就是这个j句子没有真正的主语,这是扣分的要害之处,想用高级语法,又用错了,很让那些老师痛恨的,画虎不成反类犬……） that makes people become successful from the aspect of the improvement of the skills (连续用of,很难看,换成skills ‘ improvement)and the enrichment of the confidence.
The primary reason is that hard work is able to （不妨把is able to换成enables,）increase the ability of our own （the ability of our own就是 our own ability了,简单明了）which is important（一直用important,且用很多次,显得你词汇不丰富,很吃亏的哦,crucial,imperative,momentous,principal） for us to success（success是名词,这里不定式应该接一个动词吧,succeed）.For instance,because of （because of已经落伍了,用on account of）the hard work,Li Na,the famous Chinese tennis player,became the champions （champion只有一个,怎么能用s呢,引起歧义,）of(介词用错了,应该是in) a lot of(a lot of实在太平民化了,换个高级点的a multitude of) games.Because of the hard work(我看得出来,你连用两个because of是为了加强语气,但是阅卷老师未必能体会你对李娜的赞许,换成这样,And merely for this reason,不仅能让老师一眼看出来你想表达的意思,而且还能有效避免连用两个because of 所体现出来的词汇量不丰富的尴尬),she can largely increase（换成enhance,reinforce） the ability of playing tennis so that it is （加一个far,或者much,加强语气）easier for her to beat（defeat击败,beat击打） others.Otherwise,if she just relied on the luck,she would not have enough ability to succeed for so many times.（刚才用了ability,这里又来?不妙啊,换个说法吧,Otherwise,if she just relied more on the so-called (so-called,带有贬义,用在这里再合适不过了) luck,the moment when she won the France open will come fairly late ）
It constitutes another reason for my point of view that hard work can help us to become more confident.Like for me(恕我孤弱寡闻,没有见过这个词汇,应该是as for me),after playing ping-pong for about 6 years,it is easier for me to win the games in the school.It is 6year's hard work that makes me become so confident which can always help me （help sb do sth ）success（succeed）.Hard- working can give us the energy to believe in ourselves,while luck can not.
Admittedly,luck can sometimes help us to get out of trouble.However,we can not get the luck every time.The success which gets because of the luck is not the real success.After working for months and trying for years,such success does belong to our own.
To sum up,from the evidence mentioned above （ evidence mentioned above 不就是aforementioned evidence的大众版么?换一个高级一点的就不同了）results the natural summary that despite the chances of sometimes work,luck has nothing to do with（换成has no bearing on也不错啊） the real success.Therefore,it is the hard work that is the key of the success.（你用了好几次强调句it is ……that……了,当一篇文章中,相同的词汇,相同的句式,相同的表达法出现之后,后果很严重………… the key of success reside in hard work indeed!）
点评：词汇不是很丰富,句式不是很灵活（通篇都是ability,capacity,capabilities表示意见很大啊……because of用了好几次,那个强调句也用了三次）,估计能得到60%的分数（恕我直言啊） ,要想的高分,要用高级一点的词汇（a lot of ,many,expert ,be good at之类的就免了）,还要懂得如何灵活变换句式,变换表达法,当你做到这些之后,你的分数不低（虽然我没有考过托福,但请你原谅,你这篇文章仅仅是一篇四六级中下游的文章……）