帮忙看下这篇雅思作文大概得多少分?

题目

帮忙看下这篇雅思作文大概得多少分?
Universities should accept equal numbers of male and female students in every subject.To what extent do you agree or disagree?
As a common argument,if universities should accept equal numbers of male and female students in every subject has been discussed for a long time.Some people hold the view that we should treat different sexual people equally because everyone has right.But in my opinion,universities do not need to accept the same number of boys and girls in every subject.
Physical factor is not only the first but the most important reason.As known to us,the power in boy’s body is higher than that of girl.It determines that boy can do more power-work than girl.For example,when entered a constructive place,did you have the chance to see a women who was transport the tricks or a thin girl who was mixing the cement with water and dirt?It must be a terrible situation.
Secondly,the performance will affect more.We either enjoy the serves from a sweet fe

答案

有些用法不地道 比如these people who think that universities should accept equal numbers of boys and girls in every subject are too emphasis the rights of girls.-->应该改成these people who think that universities should enroll equal numbers of boys and girls in every subject over-emphasize the rights of girls emphasis是名词 emphasize才是动词
再比如要是我写最后一段就会写成:
According to reasons given above, I hold the perspective that universities should accept different number of male and female in various subjects, for the reason that(=because,还可以用after all) from both physical and mental aspects, male and female play different roles.注意体会修改之后的细微差别,就是你应该注意的地方 比如because引导的句子一定不能缺少主句,而你的就是缺少主句了...
通篇语法上也还有点问题,多做同义词替换,再努力一下能得六分
雅思作文不考思想深度 个人意见 仅供参考 加油~