这篇雅思作文 几分?

题目

这篇雅思作文 几分?
之前考了三次作文都是5分 现在正在背8分万能作文那本书 大家看看我的作文问题出在哪
Nowadays,a lot of charities and organizations have publicized their activities and a number of special days,like 'National Children's Day',for encouraging good care of children,and 'National Non-smoking Day',for encouraging person to pay more attention to health.Why do these organizations take these activities,and what will be the effect?
作文如下
Increasingly special days are now publicized by the charities and organizations.Because people are more concern about the quality of their lives than ever before and followed this trend,the organization have the responsibility to publicize a lot of special days which affect people’s lives such as the National Children’s Day and the National Non-Smoking Day.
However,some people argue that the special days evolve as a profit-making entity.Within this system,efforts to employ the charities activities and the special days for positive effect have always struggled to stay alive,nearly besieged by the overflow of commercial publicity.The real beneficiaries are the organizations instead of the public.
To my opinion,whether those special days will benefit us is mainly depended on ourselves.The organizations are just an extension of human behaviour,if people attract no attention to their health,their children or their parents,any kinds of special days are useless.For instance,most parents have to work everyday with no attention to their children.While on the National Children’s Day,they realized that they have the responsibility to care about their children.But after that special day,they back to work and again without any awareness of their children.
The special days have some active effect,and indeed,I respect the aims of the charities and the organizations to publicize the special days,I do not believe it is the only way to encourage people,in fact,to make these special days more effective,human behaviour is the key.
写的时候想法倒是有 就是写不出来啊 于是选择背范文
背了范围之后自己的想法就没了 总想把背过的句子用上 还容易跑题 观点不明确
咋整啊 还有一个月考试 作文得要6分 求一些短期的提高方法 看了一楼说的 不准备继续死记硬背了 不知每天写一篇是否可以啊？
觉得一楼的回答不错
所以我另外开了一个提问

答案

1,句子太长,断句不准 ------ 很多资料表明,雅思考试作文的要求是简洁,清晰.
2,结构混乱,主题不清晰.
正确的文章结构应该是：
第一段---引文（背景等）,全文中心句.
正文--分2~3个小论点对中心进行多角度的支撑.
最后一段----回应中心句,提出建议等.（有能力的话可以进行“升华”.）在这篇文章中,你要进行正反论述的话,也应该先摆出自己的观点,再摆出反方的观点,再对反方的观点进行攻击,而不是先说反方的,再说自己的.因为第一,这篇题目是要求你解释为何有那么多的团体进行慈善活动,你应该先摆出自己的观点,而不是别人的观点.
如果你想改进你的作文,请先了解英文作文的基本结构!因为你的结构都写不好,别人就看不明白啊!
还有不要再写那些又长又难解的长句子,应该用恰当的词语来表达,简单易懂!你可以看些英文杂志,但是别看那些太难的!
祝愿你对症下药,下次取得好成绩!
还有啊,不是背作文啊,是背句子结构啊!有用的那些,别人是用哪些词来表达的,.