帮忙看下雅思大作文 几分左右,帮修改 评价

题目

帮忙看下雅思大作文 几分左右,帮修改 评价
Questions：
It is generally acknowledged that familiesare now not as close as they used to be.What are the possible reasons for thisand what can be done to reserve the trend.
Family relationship plays a verysignificant part in our social life.Close family will have positive effectiveson only on family members but also on the social stability.However,with thedevelopment of modern society,the families are not close as before anymore.Thisessay will present several reasons and make some suggestions.
There are three reasons about thisphenomenon.Firstly,many young people trend to work or study in the largecities,which make the geographical distance between parents and children,which cause serious communication problems between family members.Secondly,with the development of Internet technology,young people like communicate withfriends on the Internet or using message while their parents prefer face toface interaction.Last but not least,the increase of social pressure,which causespeople concern more about interest,has negative effect on the relationship betweenfamily members.
As far as I am concern,some actions couldbe done to improve this situation.For young people,they should understand andcare more about their parents and try to go back home more often rather thansurf the Internet.For their parents,it is a good idea that using Internetcamera tools to communicate and understand their habits which can help tonarrow the generation gap.
Thisessay points out some reasons of that situation and makes some suggestions.Althoughthere are some difficulties when take the real action,all families memberstake positive attitude to face this gap and make some real action,this trendwill be reserved eventually.

答案

我不知道能打几分,但是我可以帮你改改.
第一段：
close family改为close families
only前加not,not only but also固定搭配
the families去掉the
第二段
reasons about改为reasons for
trend改为tend
第三段
which widens the geographical distance between parents and children
既然已经用了一个定语从句,就不能再用.建议用分词causing serious communication problems...
likes communicating
作为美观考虑,最好改为young people prefer,和their parents prefer平行
最后一句建议改成focus more on their own interests
第四段
has a negative effect
as far as I am concerned
actions could be taken/something could be done
rather than surfing
it is a good idea to use Internat camera to communicate and understand young people's habits,so as to narrow the generation gap
causes for that situation
Although there are some difficulties when taking real actions,this trend will be reserved if all family members take a positive attitude toward this gap and make some real actions.